suburban kamikaze

Sh*t I didn't try to sell you this month. You're welcome.

"Celebrity-approved products for Mother's Day"

This offer comes to us from William A. of BlahBlahBlah Public Relations:

"Hi There -" he writes, 

"I know it's only March but I wanted to reach out and offer you the opportunity to shill some of my clients' tenuous-celebrity-link-products as potential Mother's Day gifts.

"I'm not offering to pay for this promotion, because that would make it seem like advertising. We are looking for something that looks more like your endorsement, which we are also not offering to pay for because that would make you look like kind of a whore. This way you just look kind of a sap."

I am paraphrasing a little.

"Besides, what could be more fun than writing about some kind of meal delivery service apparently used by JLo, Sarah Michelle Gellar and someone else named Constance Zimmer!

"Or the luxury stroller pushed by Ali Larter, Kelly Rutherford and other people you've never heard of but who have undoubtedly put these buggies through their paces in a series of tests supervised by an independent, accredited consumer product testing agency!

"Hah! We're just kidding about the product testing, of course. But seriously, what else do you need to know about something called The Original Baby Bullet other than that someone famous owns one? 

"Looking foward to hearing your thoughts." - Will

Well, Will, I'm wondering who thought it was a good idea to name a product "the baby bullet"? And what does it even mean to be celebrity "approved"?  Would more people read my blog if it were approved by Ali Larter? Also, who is Ali Larter? Does she even read my blog?   

Regards,

-SK

Photo: Artist's rendering of Ali Larter, who may or may not approve. 

From the Shit I Didn't Try to Sell You archives: Eggs are awesome, Tom Sawyer, public relations

Tom Sawyer, public relations

"I recently read through your blog, and found the comments and insights made about parenthood to be very enlightening."   - Excerpt from "How would you like to host the Worst Party Ever and write about it so that we can sell more Kleenex?" by House Party public relations assistant Lindsay S. 

Dear Lindsay:

Thank you so much for your interest in harnessing the vast influence and party planning know-how of Suburban Kamikaze to help spread the word about "the importance of washing and drying hands using new Kleenex hand towels."

Having only just celebrated National Masturbation Month, there must be many bloggers who would jump at the chance to wade through your survey, share information about their household purchasing habits, produce photos, videos and blog posts, organize a Kleenex Fresh and Clean Hands House Party in their home and then join other hosts across the country in a celebration of hand washing and paper products. At their own expense.

It is a generous offer. Some Kleenex themed party favors and disposable hand towels for hosts and their lucky guests; weeks of promotion for you and Kimberly-Clark. This is what is known in the marketing world as a "win-win."  In the literary world this is known as "the scene where Tom Sawyer tricks the other kids into giving him stuff for the privilege of painting his fence."

There is also the chance we could be asked to stay on for the "After Party" where the "most inspired and influential hosts and guests" are converted into active advocates in a tightly managed group acting on (the client's) behalf. Didn't this used to be called an ad agency?

There are so many other off the hook party ideas on the House Party website, we are kicking ourselves for not having thought of them first. Talk about fun! The Rubbermaid Clean Little Secrets House Party includes a FREE party pack full of items that will spark lively discussions about our cleaning personalities! 

That is Charades with the In-Laws, Trapped in the Elevator with the Amway Guy and a Midwestern Block Party all rolled into one. With a Baptist Wedding Reception on the side.

Unfortunately both of these events conflict with our previously scheduled plans to spend the summer doing pretty much anything else. 

Party on,

SK

For more on our entertainment and product whoring policies:

RSVP: My Lesbian Pool Party, Eggs are Awesome

Eggs are awesome

Eggs are awesome.

This is how I begin my career as a whore. It is a good start, I think.

I have plagiarized the wording from another blogger's paid review of an awesome new Discover Card feature, (The Discover Card is awesome!) but whoring is not an occupation where originality counts for much.

There are so many opportunities. According to a recent marketing research report titled "Why You Should Pay Bloggers to Whore For Talk About Your Brand," the practice of getting bloggers to shill in exchange for money, prizes or free stuff is catching on.

I can do this. How hard can it be? 

It's true, I have in the past - okay always - demonstrated a pathetic tendency toward under-compensated writing. Not that my writing doesn't make money. In fact, many of the stories I have written as a freelance journalist are sold and resold on websites all over the Internet.  It's just that none of the money goes to me. But still, the satisfaction ... priceless.

Okay, well not exactly priceless. I am paying Typepad for the privilege of typing this sentence. I pay writing groups for the privilege of membership. I pay fees to contest editors for the privilege of having my stories considered. In short, as Mr. Kamikaze likes to point out, I am a cost center in the family publishing business. 

And this is no time to be squeamish, right? There are bills to pay. And so, I will begin with Whoring for Overpriced Chicken Products and this solicitation to women bloggers:  

For a chance to win $1,000 and six months of free eggs from Eggland's Best eggs, simply tell us how eating eggs plays a part in your healthy lifestyle.

I begin.    

Eggs are awesome. We use them to make creme brulée, which my children would eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are like a bazillion calories in creme brulée, which is French for "sugar and cholesterol" I think... 

I begin again. 

Eggs are awesome. My daughter likes to make creme brulée.  Many more eggs are broken in the process than are actually required, but trial and error is a healthy part of learning, right?

I cannot summon the necessary enthusiasm for the egg-eating lifestyle. I look to the contest pitch for inspiration, where I learn that Eggland's Best are not just ordinary eggs: 

"These eggs are nutritionally superior to ordinary eggs without giving up one bit of the great egg taste you love."

Also: "The United States Government has granted Eggland's Best a patent titled "Eggs Compatible with a Cholesterol Reducing Diet and Method of Producing the Same." 

Now I am in trouble. Because while I may aspire to a career in whoring, I am, by temperament, a faithless skeptic. Because what does the U.S. patent office have to do with nutritional claims? I ask myself.  But this is the wrong question.  The right question is, what United States government agency does evaluate nutritional claims?  

This line of questioning will get you nowhere as a whore.