Girl Kamikaze

How to Get Ready for School in As Many Steps as It Takes: The teenage girl's guide

1. Set your alarm for 6:30ish, but don't get out of bed until your mom has come in to wake you up at least three times.

2. Dig through the piles of laundry covering your floor, chair and bed to find the perfect outfit. You'll know it when you see it.

3. Yell, "has anyone seen my black t-shirt?" to no one in particular.

4.  Accuse everyone in the house of being responsible for the fact that you cannot find the right t-shirt, even though the floor of your room looks as if a t-shirt bomb has just exploded over a field of t-shirts.

5. Borrow a black t-shirt from the drawer where your mom keeps her black t-shirts.  

6. Wait until the last possible minute to paint your nails. 

7. Wait until the last possible minute plus one to announce that your shoes are missing.

8. Emphatically deny that they could be anywhere in your room even though just beneath the t-shirt layer, it looks like a scene from Apocalypse, the Shoe Sale.  

9. Reenact the scene from Cinderella as your mom brings out one pair of shoes after another from her closet.

10-14. Reject them all, using your eyebrows to communicate a range of feelings from horror at your mom's taste in shoes, to pity for your mom's inability to recognize her complete lack of taste in general, not counting the shirt you are currently wearing.

15. Remind your mom that you are out of money in your lunch account.

16. Could somebody get you a Chai latte? Because your nails are wet. 

17. Call a friend to bring you a pair of shoes. There is no way you would be caught dead in your mom's shoes. Not counting the three or four pairs under your bed.  

18. Announce that your mom needs to hurry because you are going to be late for school. What is she even doing?

19. Could somebody get you two more Chai lattes? Because your nails are wet and you promised Julia you would bring her a Chai latte.

20. In the car, suddenly remember that your hair is still in the two braids you slept in to create a wavy look. Emergency! You must get your hair out of braids before anyone sees you! Tell your mom to slow the car down! You need more time! 

21. When your mom tells you the braids look "fine", shake your head in disbelief. Make a mental note to never, ever, ever, accept her advice on anything related to hair. It's like she's never even been to high school.

22. Ask, Have you ever even been to high school?

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