Justin Bieber Junior High said goodbye to its graduating crop of Teen Empresses last night and there was not a dry eye in the house. We were laughing so hard when the principal described how the class of 2012 was the most supportive, cooperative and academically-focused group of middle schoolers since the Apollo 11 Team was in junior high, the tears would not stop rolling down our faces.
Supportive? Depending on which side of the latest girl drama you were on. And was subject to change without notice. Possibly she was thinking of foam and underwire. Thanks to Victoria's Secret Middle School Initiative, there is not a 14-year-old left outside of Ohio or Kansas who would be caught dead in the cup size nature has given her.
Cooperative? I'm assuming this refers to the Empresses' long-running conspiracy to sabotage the Junior High Olympics year after year, by say, showing up in dresses and high heels for tug-of-war. Or possibly she was talking about the romance syndicate, which operates on a level of discipline the mob would admire. These girls had romance down to a science before they started seventh grade.
Academically focused? Obviously a reference to the impressive collection of phone numbers they amassed during three years worth of field trips and sporting events at other institutions of learning. If there is a boys' academy anywhere in the Midwest that they missed, it was not for lack of effort.
Their fashion achievements went unremarked by school officials, but there is no question that middle school fashion reached new heights under this class, as evidenced by the number of eighth-grade girls towering over their fathers in heels any Kardashian would be proud to own.
We really could not be any
closer to bankruptcy prouder.
Photo: The Empresses standing tall and camera ready.
Thanks for the
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Cheerleaders
Insurrection, by Victoria's Secret
Girls' body art leaves sixth-grader Joseph Borowski confused