suburban kamikaze

Is it just me or is it starting to seem like our 80s-era prom dates were just phoning it in?

They rocked their powder blue tuxes, sure.

But I do not remember any prom "proposals" that looked like this.

The only thing 80s guys did in advance of prom night was buy a corsage, wash the car and harbor wild hopes.

The "proposal" usually took place at your locker between classes.  Or was delivered through intermediaries bearing notebook paper folded into little squares.  

Not that it wasn't perfect.  

Today's Romeos are expected to produce a spectacle of choreography and multimedia finesse. They are, after all, trying to impress a generation of girls who still know all the words to the songs from High School Musical and never miss an episode of Glee.

At a bare minimum, there must be balloons or flowers. But 150 of your closest friends spelling it out with light sticks is a better way to go, according to my sources.

Part of me really wants to applaud the teenage girls who made this happen, even if the inspiration is borrowed from television and movie scripts. Part of me is thinking: Yes, it's a huge step forward for romance, but what is it going to cost me?

Note to Boy, Esq.: When I was in high school, the boys had real jobs and prom tickets were $3. Also, my hair looked like that on purpose.

 

from the romance archives: Top 5 Ways Middle School Boys will get it wrong on Valentine's Day, Match.com Junior High, Flush with Romance 

Women We Hate: a flow chart

Isn't it time to retire that pathetic old stereotype about women hating other women simply because they're beautiful?

I don't know what sort of crazy Texas cheerleader coven Samantha Brick found herself living among in the French countryside, but the rest of us left junior high behind in high school.

Or by our sophomore year in college at the very latest. That sort of 1950s era insecurity is so 2011.

Modern women are capable of judging each other by a wide range of criteria. I can't even count the number of women who have decided to hate me just because my imaginary boyfriend is a British secret agent. Or because my life laundry seems so much more glamorous than theirs.

My point is, for Brick to suggest that she has earned the status of a woman hated by other women on the basis of looks alone simplifies the nuanced process by which such decisions are actually made.   

Which is why I've created the following chart to illustrate the process.

You're welcome. -SK.

from the beauty archives: In which I run out of paper trying to solve the latest beauty formula

I learned the truth in Seventeen

1. You've got a secret sauce  that guys go crazy for.* (p. 97)

2. Some guys act super-lovey, then disappear.  (p. 98)

3. Blueberries have been shown to improve your memory!  (p.108)

4. If you wear glasses and a frowny face, no one is going to ask you to dance. (p. 45)

5. Cropped top + striped mini = Downtown Girly (p. 48) 

6. Don't overthink it!! **  (p. 68) 

7. Some products are SO worth the $$$ ***  (p. 86)

8. Birth control methods are like jeans. (p. 92)

9. His pucker reveals everything about his personality. **** (p. 97)

10. One reason the Euro holds together is fear of financial and economic chaos on an unprecedented scale. *****

* Completely true. It's my Key lime mustard sauce for peel-and-eat shrimp. Leave me a comment if you want the recipe, or help in identifying your own secret sauce. ** Srsly. Don't even think about it. *** Duh. It's your parents' money.  ****  OMG! So true.  *****  Just kidding. That one I learned from The Economist.

Teenagers: Way More Ruin at Twice the Cost

I am paging through the ground-breaking work of investigative parenting, Babies Ruin Everything -and doing a little baby dissing of my own in the process - when I see the small adorable woman and her small adorable baby next to me.

"Oh," I say. "I didn't mean your baby. Your baby is adorable."   

It turns out she is one of the book's creators, accompanied by the very baby who ruined everything - with an assist from a couple of babies who preceded him.

Still, as baby and book collaborators Matthew Swanson and Robbi Behr can tell you: it only takes one.

I think we can all agree they have their hands full, even though it takes at least a dozen years for babies to reach their full capacity for ruination. 

There's the baby, two other smallish children at home in Maryland, and the family business, Idiot's Books: "a (very) small press that publishes odd, commercially nonviable illustrated books." Swanson "writes the words." Behr "draws the pictures."  The baby does his best to ruin everything.

Recently, the couple packed up a selection of their odd, commercially non-viable illustrated books and products and drove to Chicago, baby on board, to the Association of Writers and Writing Programs conference, where I came across their booth. 

I would have bought one of everything except for the fact that I also work in the commercially non-viable words-on-paper industry. We are pretty much a perfect fit in the marketplace. Other baby titles include The Baby is Disappointing and Baby Apocalypse. These people know their babies.    

But as someone who has shared a house with babies and their aftermath, I feel like I have to warn them about the teenage sequel in their future: The Babies Who Ruined Everything Now Have Your Car and Your Credit Cards.

 

Photo: Matthew Swanson, Robbi Behr, and the baby who is poised to ruin everything. 

Indiana lawmaker stands up to powerful Thin Mint lobby

I laughed so hard when I read about the state representative from Indiana who believes Girl Scouts are part of a radical agenda to destroy America that I nearly choked on the lemony goodness of my Savannah Smiles cookies, which are delicious. I don't know what made me think three boxes would be enough.

Then I remembered: there are people who actually have to live in Indiana where Rep. Bob Morris, (R-Clueless) spends their money on projects like the "Web-based research" that led him to conclude that the Girl Scouts are insufficiently homophobic and operating as a secret subsidiary of Planned Parenthood.  

The freshman lawmaker believes cookie sales, camping, hiking and the development of leadership skills are a path to promiscuity and communism among the state's population of third-grade girls. But it's probably not as funny to the people this guy actually "represents."   

I have to admit, I never asked any of the 9-year-olds whose cookies I bought what their feelings were about gay marriage, Karl Marx or contraception. And the organization itself is dangerously fair-minded in its views on things like friendship and campfires. That is enough right there to cause people like Rep. Bob Morris to conclude that they probably harbor anti-American views.

Many of them, in fact, could grow up to become the kind of women who find people like Rep. Bob Morris and his brand of politics repellent. People like most people.

There is no law against stupidity in this country. If there were I probably would not have left five boxes of Thin Mints out in the open where the teenagers would find them. But there's no badge for it either. 

If there were, Bob Morris would need a bigger sash.

The war on Christmas begins in the living room

from the archives: War on Christmas brought to successful end

The Year In Questions: Because if you came here for answers you may need to rethink your strategy

1. Is there a right and a wrong way to explain sexual practices to other people's children?

2. Why would you buy waffle ingredients if you're not going to make waffles?

3. How do you say that in dirty French?

4. Why has no one asked me to help run the space program?

5. How many Post-It notes can dance on the head of a pin?

6. If there is one thing I've learned about parenting in the middle school years, what is it?

7. Why are the permission slips all wet?

8.  Men?

9.  Is the History Channel ushering in a new age of vibrator technology? 

10. What would Jesus drink?    

Select the best answer from the following suggestions: Probably. Come again? Definitely not. A lot. Have you seen my glasses?  Yes. Depends on the dance. Please. Do I have to do everything? Don't say I didn't warn you. All of the above. 

Undone in 2011

I did not get a tattoo. But not because I am not cool enough. Because I am. No matter what Mr. Kamikaze says. He doesn't even have a twitter account, so he's not exactly an authority.

I did not get a tattoo because while flirting with the idea over more than a decade, I could not commit to a single design. I guess I am kind of like Madonna - or possibly some more current style icon whose name escapes me because I only pretend to keep up with pop culture - in that I tend to reinvent myself quite a bit.

For example, ten years ago, I was a freelance writer with two children and an interest in wine drinking. Today, I am a freelance writer with two teenagers and an interest in drinking  slightly better wine. How do you design a tattoo that can keep up with that?

Still it would have looked awesome, possibly.

I did not write a novel. But not because I can't. But because I have been unable to break my addiction to reading other people's novels. In between reading other people's non-fiction, memoirs and plays. It was an especially good year for plays. The more I think about it, the more I feel like Tom Stoppard bears a lot of the blame for the novel that I didn't write. There's really no telling how good it might have been. Although, I think we can all agree it would have been better than anything I have written so far. 

I did not advance in the world of adult figure skating. But not because I did not spend a ridiculous amount of time on the ice when I should have been finishing my novel. But also because the figure skating authorities have ignored my petition to remove the &^%$-foot spin from the list of required elements, where it serves to thwart the dreams of many an aspiring novelist.

I went unrecognized for my contributions to the blogging world. But not just because I refused to get a puppy, develop some sort of dramatic personal problem or put up video of myself getting a bikini wax, because I totally would if there was real money in it and not just laundry detergent coupons, but also because I made no actual contributions to the blogging world, which apparently does not even have an award category for punctuation. Which is disappointing because I feel like I would own it.  

I went unrecognized for my contributions to the Kamikaze family. But not because they do not recognize the breathtaking skill with which I juggle their many needs while simultaneously not finishing a novel, advancing in the world of figure skating or getting a tattoo. It's just that they don't appreciate it.

Of course, I did not do many of these things in some pretty charming places in 2011, and as always, they went undone among the most amazing collection of people, who are represented below as bananas and bottles of wine.  I couldn't have done it without all of you. 

Cheers, -SK  

Photo, top: Not learning to speak better French in Paris. Photo by Rick McCawley. 

Excerpted from Men: Not 100 percent replaceable

More deep thoughts from Blogtations can be found here. 

Christmas shopping is easy, non-toxic

Please. Stop your whining.

There is plenty of time to find something for everyone on your list. At Suburban Kamikaze we have already done the hard part for you. Okay, maybe not the hardest part, but we do want to help. 

We spent the weekend drinking wine and scouting retail outlets with our very good friend and Suburban Kamikaze board member, Dr. Liz - an honest to god mental health expert here to certify that the best gift you can give your loved ones at Christmas is the gift of good mental health - your own.  

With that in mind, we offer the following sanity-preservation tips and gift ideas.   

Tip #1: Limit the amount of time you spend worrying about gifts for your family. Pace yourself. Have your nails done. Have a glass of wine. Buy yourself an overpriced accessory. Now you are ready to shop for your mother-in-law.

It's easy. Because who doesn't love a mango?  From Williams-Sonoma comes the perfect mango splitter.  She will wonder how she ever got along without one. $13

Tip #2:  Nothing wastes more time than second-guessing your selections for appropriateness. They're not your kids are they? The teenagers on your list (your brother's kids maybe?) will think you are the coolest when they open their cell phone flask. $16.95 

Tip #3:  Don't try too hard. Sometimes the best gift is the one that says WTF? "Monkey Portraits" by Jill Greenberg is about as good as it gets in the ambiguous message gift department. $16.49

Tip#4: Search out seasonal bargains. We found this styrofoam Halloween morgue sign reduced 70 percent. Think of how much they will appreciate your thoughtfulness when the price shoots up to $5.95 ten months from now!

Tip #5:  Give in to your impulses. Put too much thought into it and you will miss out on one-of-a-kind objets d'art like this lifelike (it even sheds) replica of a common backyard pest. We could not pass it up. $2.99  

Likewise, how many $16.95 motion-activated fake parakeets do you think they would sell if everyone went around putting thought into their Christmas purchases?  Nobody needs a fake parakeet. Nobody ever asks for one. But somebody has to buy them, if for no other reason than to encourage the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that led someone, somewhere to conclude that a walking, dinosaur-shaped pencil sharpener was a good idea. $7.95

Still, there are limits. Crate&Barrel is a good example of what can happen when people give their impulses too much rein.  Which brings us to Tip #6: Never,  ever spend $14.95 on a collection of sticks and leaves. Just. Walk. Away.

Tip #7: Nothing says Happy Holidays quite like an intervention. There is no better time to let someone know that their social skills could use a little ... well, skill. Nothing we've found delivers the message like a set of "Table Topics" conversation starters.  Table Topics provides a box of Post-It sized slips with promising topics like "Why Do You Think People Try to Kill Themselves at Your Dinner Parties?" $24.95

At $14 "The Complete Manual of Things that Might Kill You" is a conversation starter in itself. You have no idea how many fatal conditions that nagging little mole/cough/ache could signify. 

Our favorite self-help gift this season is a slim little volume of wisdom called "How to Traumatize Your Children."  With sections on "Setting Your Child Up for Failure" and "Killing Self Esteem," this book contains proven, practical advice for parents determined to do it properly. $9.95 

But enough with the children. Tip #8: Nothing says Christmas like sex toys. Surely, there is someone on your list who would appreciate a box of Christmas ornaments shaped like tiny penises? $3.99   Tip #9: Not everyone appreciates a tiny penis joke.

 Or, "maybe you're looking for something under the heading of non-toxic?"  That is the kind of come-on only a seasoned, professional copywriter can produce. The pitch is for EdenFantasys' museum quality "Hera," a piece of glass attractive enough to leave out on your coffee table. $89.99   

Tip #10: Nobody likes a toxic sex toy.

 

-Christmas 2008

The Girl Who Very Nearly Got a Tattoo

So sorry to have kept you waiting but I have been very busy putting the final touches on my latest literary effort – a work of Swedish crime fiction that has every sign of becoming a huge commercial success.

Not to mention a följa instruktionerna för laddning av elektronisk utrustning!

Seriously. All the elements are here: gruesome crime, easy-to-assemble furniture with unpronounceable Scandinavian names, a spunky heroine with hidden talents, two teenagers and multiple piercings, and - most importantly – a great many references to tattoos.

It takes place in an Ikea superstore in the American Midwest, where the suburbanites gather on weekends to eat meatballs and purchase brightly colored kitchen gadgets in the mistaken belief that they can control their destinies. But of course, there is a dark side to the fantasy, which unfolds in a mouth-shattering arrangement of consonants.

When our heroine, who once very seriously considered getting a tattoo, happens upon a decades-old family secret in the strömtillförseln section, she finds herself teamed up with a handsome investigative reporter on an assignment that will provide many opportunities for the reporter to have sex with his editors, his colleagues and the subject of his story, which apparently is actively encouraged in Swedish newsrooms. 

Photo: Swedish newsroom

The Ring of Truth and other tales of so-called domestic bliss

Sure, it's a nice story. But I'm not hearing a really good answer to the question of why Brian McGuinn - if that is even his real name - threw out his wife's diamond engagement ring in the first place. 

As any good marriage counselor will tell you: There is no such thing as an accident. First he "accidentally" throws away the ring, next he "accidentally" says the name of his ex-girlfriend in his sleep. And finally, he "accidentally" puts the car in reverse while she is behind it. It is the oldest story in the world. 

Not that those crazy romantics at the Miami Herald seem to have recognized it. This is what comes of having too many kids in the newsroom.

Photo: Those crazy kids in the newsroom are suckers for romance. 

from the Romance archives: 237 Reasons You Did Not Get Laid Last Night

Men: Not 100 percent replaceable

Look, guys: So maybe you're in a bit of a slump, but please - no one is talking about replacing you yet, no matter what the data says. 

Sure, we're better drivers. Especially when going forward. We didn't need some insurance industry study to tell us that!

And yes, it turns out that we are just as funny as you are, possibly better with money, probably make better world leaders, and may offer a better return on investment in the corporate suite. (Man Down: Proof Beyond a Reasonable Doubt That Women Are Better Cops, Drivers, Gamblers, Spies, World Leaders, Beer Tasters, Hedge Fund Managers and Just About Everything Else, by Dan Abrams)

We also smell good and aren't afraid to ask for directions, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't be lost without you. It just means we wouldn't be lost as often.

But that is hardly reason to conclude that men are becoming obsolete.

What would even be the point of being better if there were no men around to make us seem better by being worse?

You complete us. 

Besides, we depend on you for everything!  so many things!!  some really important things. 

So before you go putting any stock into the latest bit of scholarship describing the "end of men," ask yourselves: Will a vibrator get out of bed in the middle of the night to check out a scary noise?  It will not. That technology is still years away!

Will our girlfriends show up with red wine and naked Daniel Craig movies when we are suffering from PMS and you are being an asshole? Of course they will. But that's still a two-man minimum, right there, not even accounting for help with operating the remote control. 

Call me sexist, but I don't think there is a woman alive who could convincingly fill the role of naked Daniel Craig. Meryl Streep, possibly, but I don't think you'd get more than an academic argument about putting that one in the "men are better" column.

And I don't care how far we've come, baby; you will never get me to admit that a woman is just as capable as a man when it comes to unclogging toilets.

Ditto for spider killing, grocery carrying, chest hair growing, floorboard painting and anything involving shovels. And while I don't have any hard numbers to back this up, I'm convinced men make superior superheroes, look better in tuxedos and make razor stubble sexy. I have never met the woman who can pull that off.

New Hallmark sympathy cards to offer solace to people whose friends are lame enough to actually send one of Hallmark's job loss sympathy cards.

Other ideas for specialty sympathy cards being batted around Hallmark Inc. headquarters:

Pending Indictment - Thinking of You, But In No Way is the Enclosed Cash Intended to Influence Your Decision Re: naming of co-conspirators

Your Nude Photos Just Went Viral - Cheer Up: It's Nothing that 10 Years and a Pricey Public Relations Firm Can't Mitigate Somewhat

Caught cheating on your wife - We Never Really Liked that Bitch! Best of Luck in the Property Settlement.

Rejected College Application - Acceptance Coming to terms is the first step toward moving on.    

Lab results indicate a STD -  Stay Positive. Just Kidding! But seriously, laughter is the best medicine.

Foreclosure -  Hope this Card Reaches You in Time to Extend Our Condolences! 

I know how she does it. She signs permission slips in the shower.

Multitasking Like a Mother

1. Get up, shower and get dressed during last stages of REM sleep.   

2. Finish last minute paperwork while showering. 

3. Check e-mails while you brush your teeth.  

4. Call to wish Mother-in-law happy birthday while answering work-related e-mails. Answer personal e-mails while making work-related phone calls.

5. Fold laundry while exercising.

6. Skip exercise while allowing laundry to pile up.

7. Make mental to-do lists while having sex. Have sex while making dinner.

8. Synchronize orgasm with oven timer.    

9. Get a head start on last minute homework assignments by losing your cool now.

10. Deliver the "Now you tell me?" speech in the car on the way to Office Depot.

 

from the Multitasking archives: I only make it look easy.