They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. But really, no shit. It must be nice to have the kind of problems that are so subtle that merely acknowledging them counts as actually taking a step.
My problem announces itself on every surface of my desk, on the seat of my car and in the scraps of to-do lists mocking me from the bottom of my purse: I can't get anything done.
I don't literally mean "anything." I manage to make a lot of lists of the things I need to get done. And I am constantly doing "something."
But getting the stuff on my "list" done is another thing altogether. Sometimes, in an act that is as desperate as it is delusional, I actually put "make to-do list" on my to-do list just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing something off. Which is just sad.
Because other than that? Shit is not getting done. I blame my family mostly, for the obvious reason that they are mostly to blame.
I didn't go to bed last night thinking I will get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow and spend two hours taking care of everyone else and their pet rabbits too, but that is where the morning went. Again.
Between ferrying various family members to their various destinations and cleaning various rabbit cages and picking up the various items of footwear that accumulate in every corner of the house overnight, my plans for finishing the important stuff on my list before noon were variously fucked.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: Is all of this profanity really necessary? And, why doesn't she just write "provide morning taxi and latte service to family members" and "unplanned rabbit cage cleaning" on her list and then cross them off? Or possibly you are thinking anyone could have told her the rabbit was a bad idea. Which is really not helpful at all.
The point is, I have rules about what can go on my to-do list.
Pretend to be operating under a system of rules.✔ And one of those rules is that I can't put something on the list after I have already done it. That's cheating.
So the interruptions don't count as having done anything, even if they take up the whole fucking morning.
Employ a minimum of three uses of profanity in blog post.✔
I can't blame my family for all of it, however.
Pretend to share blame.✔ The fact that "finish novel" and "Halloween care package to practically grown man" occupy the same list is surely a sign of trouble in the area of prioritizing. What makes me think I can finish a novel when it has taken me three days to cross "Halloween care package" off my list?
Why does it take three days to cross "Halloween care package" off my list? Because instead of waiting until the last minute to buy Halloween candy like my mother did, I buy it as soon as it shows up on the grocery shelf - to give myself plenty of time. I am pretty sure I am the only one in my family who even understands how "time" works.
Sadly, however, I miscalculated the equation Halloween candy + time so now I have to go buy more candy. Just like last year.
Buy more Candy. Just like last year.✔
Photo: In hindsight, I should have sealed the box immediately. I know that now.
from the archives: Hallowhat?