They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. But really, no shit. It must be nice to have the kind of problems that are so subtle that merely acknowledging them counts as actually taking a step.
My problem announces itself on every surface of my desk, on the seat of my car and in the scraps of to-do lists mocking me from the bottom of my purse: I can't get anything done.
I don't literally mean "anything." I manage to make a lot of lists of the things I need to get done. And I am constantly doing "something." Do something.✔
But getting the stuff on my "list" done is another thing altogether. Sometimes, in an act that is as desperate as it is delusional, I actually put "make to-do list" on my to-do list just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing something off. Which is just sad.
Because other than that? Shit is not getting done. I blame my family mostly, for the obvious reason that they are mostly to blame. Blame family.✔
I didn't go to bed last night thinking I will get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow and spend two hours taking care of everyone else and their pet rabbits too, but that is where the morning went. Again.
Between ferrying various family members to their various destinations and cleaning various rabbit cages and picking up the various items of footwear that accumulate in every corner of the house overnight, my plans for finishing the important stuff on my list before noon were variously fucked.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: Is all of this profanity really necessary? And, why doesn't she just write "provide morning taxi and latte service to family members" and "unplanned rabbit cage cleaning" on her list and then cross them off? Or possibly you are thinking anyone could have told her the rabbit was a bad idea. Which is really not helpful at all.
The point is, I have rules about what can go on my to-do list. Pretend to be operating under a system of rules.✔ And one of those rules is that I can't put something on the list after I have already done it. That's cheating.
So the interruptions don't count as having done anything, even if they take up the whole fucking morning. Employ a minimum of three uses of profanity in blog post.✔
I can't blame my family for all of it, however. Pretend to share blame.✔ The fact that "finish novel" and "Halloween care package to practically grown man" occupy the same list is surely a sign of trouble in the area of prioritizing. What makes me think I can finish a novel when it has taken me three days to cross "Halloween care package" off my list?
Why does it take three days to cross "Halloween care package" off my list? Because instead of waiting until the last minute to buy Halloween candy like my mother did, I buy it as soon as it shows up on the grocery shelf - to give myself plenty of time. I am pretty sure I am the only one in my family who even understands how "time" works.
Sadly, however, I miscalculated the equation Halloween candy + time so now I have to go buy more candy. Just like last year.
Buy more Candy. Just like last year.✔
Photo: In hindsight, I should have sealed the box immediately. I know that now.
from the archives: Hallowhat?
I feel your pain, by the time I get all my family needs met- I say FUCK IT I'm tired!
Posted by: donna | October 14, 2014 at 11:53 AM
Are they ever really all met? I feel like they just start all over again the next day. Not that they aren't adorable.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 14, 2014 at 12:04 PM
Comment on column in blog comment section. CHECK
Posted by: Suburban Sheepdog | October 14, 2014 at 02:49 PM
Halloween, best time of the year to let the family go feral.
Posted by: Dianne | October 14, 2014 at 07:39 PM
Well I just completed transferring app to do list on my smart phone--to lined yellow paper--so I could have only 20 things for today not the fifty that on the app--but then I saw your great post--derailed already
Posted by: SH | October 15, 2014 at 06:26 AM
It's hopeless then.
Lose hope.✔SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 15, 2014 at 09:04 AM
I have lists, upon lists. And unlike you, I completely blame my family AND my workplace for their unreasonable demands upon my time.
Posted by: Gigi | October 15, 2014 at 03:02 PM
Why must we be in charge of everything? And why, if we're in charge of everything, can't we make it so we're not?
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 16, 2014 at 05:47 AM
Yeah I make to-do lists, too, and like you, things like ferrying family and cleaning cat boxes don't make the list because one of my rules is that 'regular chores can't go on the list.' So anything I would do in the span of a normal week doesn't count. It's no wonder I can't get anything crossed off, either… for example, cancel unused gym membership has been on the list for two weeks! Chalk up another $50 gone because of my inability to follow through with a to-do list. Ugh.
Posted by: Sarah B. | October 16, 2014 at 04:50 PM
There must be a better system. Can someone put that on his or her list please?
Delegate problem solving.✔SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 17, 2014 at 06:12 AM
You're in luck, national write a novel month isn't until after Halloween. http://nanowrimo.org
Posted by: Marty McI | October 17, 2014 at 06:50 AM
Thank goodness. November is looking good. I could probably finish 2 novels in November. Yes, I am liking my chances for November. Wait, did you mean this November?
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 17, 2014 at 08:03 AM