suburban kamikaze

Maybe you should just chill-ax: a teenager's guide

Should you? Should you just chill-ax? How can you be sure? Chill-ax. The teenagers are here to help with this simple guide to stress management:  

 

Out of gas at 7 a.m. and you need to get to work.

Chill-ax. There's plenty of time. Probably.

 

Out of gas at 7 a.m., you need to get to work, AND you discover the same person who left your car on empty in the driveway left a pile of fast food wrappers on the passenger seat.

Chill-ax. They were going to clean it up. Or else it wasn't them.

 

Out of gas at 7 a.m., you need to get to work AND the same person who left the car on empty and the passenger seat covered in fast food wrappers, ALSO forgot to return your debit card and "borrowed" the last of your cash.

Chill-ax. Why do you always have to make such a big deal out of everything?

 

 

Out of milk at 2 a.m. and you really want cereal.

 OMG. Seriously? Do. Not. Chill-Ax. What is the POINT of even buying cereal if you're just going to RUN OUT OF MILK? Literally, this happens every single time. How hard is it to keep enough milk in the house for ONE BOWL OF CEREAL??

Entrepreneur Barbie first-quarter action plan

With the release of the 2014 Career of the Year doll, Mattel has added a new entry to Barbie's resume (which has been reconfigured in a slightly smaller font and runs just under 4o pages.) Entrepreneur Barbie will be courting investors this summer in hot pink career wear and sensible shoes. Just kidding! She wouldn't be caught dead in sensible shoes. But she does have a smartphone, a tablet and a little black briefcase full of hopes and dreams. Also, we imagine, lipstick, Starbucks receipts and a hot pink action plan:         

          

1. Capital Raise: Wow investors in hot pink business suit and kick-ass plastic heels.

2. Get rid of under-performing Ken unit.

3. Market Research: Google "How to Start Your Dream Business on nothing but a Dream and $11 billion in market capitalization.

4. Leverage Harvard Business School contacts for face time with chairman prospects. Oprah? Hillary?

5. Exceed Quarterly Objectives in high style and kick-ass plastic heels.

Bird story

There is more to the story, of course. There is a very tall ladder involved, a climb to the second floor of the vacant house next door, some damage to a window, and possibly, an opening into the house through which other birds may now gain access, along with a squirrel or two. Maybe some rain. Probably nothing more troublesome than that.

But I think it's fair to sum it up by saying two desperately trapped baby birds were rescued and a frantic mother bird can now go back to reading the Book Review on the back deck, or whatever the bird equivalent is of that. That is the take-away here. 

The women in our family have a history of bird rescue, against long odds, and even when ridiculous efforts must be made and 40-foot ladders moved to the side of other people's houses. If you don't remember, go back and re-read the inspiring story of Tweety and the Fourth Graders.      

Mr. K. is out of town during the rescue, so naturally his first concern is for my safety. "Did anyone see you vandalize the neighbor's house?" he asks. Then he wants to know what I am wearing.

When he gets home he expresses his irritation at the fact that I was motivated enough to move a 40-foot ladder to the side of the neighbor's house but not motivated enough to move it back. Which is not the same thing as expressing his gratitude on behalf of the planet, or at least the birds. But it's close enough for me.