There are no close calls in Teenage Fashion Court. Deliberation is actively discouraged.
COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE: "Members of the jury..."
TEENAGE GIRL JURY FOREMAN: "Guilty. All counts. Also, those shoes are hideous."
Sometimes I get a ruling before I even know there is a case pending. This happened recently when I combined what I mistakenly thought was a fashionable pencil skirt with what I erroneously assumed was an acceptable sweater and wore them with ankle boots I incorrectly believed pulled the outfit together. Compounding my offense, I added a vintage-y pin under the could-not-have-been-more-wrong impression that I was accessorizing.
I could not have been more wrong.
GIRL: OhMyGod. Take that off.
ME: Really? What about the ...?
GIRL: Get rid of it. Now
ME: But what do you think of...?
GIRL: Yeah. That's a no-go.
It was a no-go. I changed my clothes. I also recently got rid of a pair of jeans after the girl communicated with me, via eyebrow, that they were hideous. But there is a limit to how much fashion advice I am willing to accept from someone who draws hearts on the back of her hands with a Sharpie.
For one thing, her dictates can be awfully narrow: All jeans must be skinny jeans. All skirts must end above the knee. Everything I do with my hair is wrong.
Also, there is a price to be paid for her approval. Wardrobe components of which she approves most enthusiastically tend to disappear. I get points for my taste in hats, shoes, coats and earrings, which we are now sharing under a system in which they have all been relocated to her room. Or possibly the basement? She may have left some of them in the car. They are around here somewhere.
from the SK fashion archives: The Underachiever's Guide to Accessorizing
My plan to subvert the two preteens coming up fast? Outweigh them significantly. "Just try to wear my clothes," I'll sneer triumphantly. "Both of you could fit in my skinny jeans!" I'm not proud, just practical. Earrings will be a problem, however.
Posted by: foolery | October 29, 2013 at 10:29 AM
I'd keep an eye on the mascara too.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 29, 2013 at 11:03 AM
I guess it depends on what you're dressing to look like. I'd expect kids to want to dress to look like their peers.
We only had boys, so I may be aesthetically challenged in the respect, however. But our boys sure did look like boys.
As to the length of skirts, I've always felt "If it ain't for sale, don't advertise it". Old curmudgeon that I am....
Posted by: Bob Cleveland | October 29, 2013 at 11:26 AM
I dress to look as if I spent at least 5 more minutes getting dressed than I actually did. It comes down to shoes and mascara, I believe.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 29, 2013 at 12:39 PM
If my son had his way I'd be dressed in a burka right about now. So in this house, I thumb my nose at the Teen Court.
Thank God, I don't have a daughter.
Posted by: Gigi | October 29, 2013 at 04:04 PM
You'd be crazy to take fashion tips from a teenage boy. I would include Tim Gunn in this category.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 29, 2013 at 06:40 PM
Since it is too late -- Wait. Is it? Yes, yes, of course it is -- Since it is too late for you to have only sons, I suggest you institute a system where, as in real court, it costs money to bring a case.
Don't like the mom jeans? If she pays up, wear something else. If she does not, couple the mom jeans with a cable-knit cardigan and be sure to get out of the car and wave -- ideally, you'd give her a big kiss on the cheek, but let's be realistic -- when you drop her off at school or to see friends. While waving yell: "SO much fun shopping with you. Lo-o-o-ve this outfit you picked for me!"
Some might call it extortion; I -- and Al Capone -- would call it justice.
"You get more with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone," Al used to say.
Posted by: Suburban Sheepdog | October 30, 2013 at 10:26 AM
Objection! I am pretty sure I don't actually own anything that could be called "mom jeans." I would hate to have to put this question to a jury of 15-year-old girls, but still.
Also, she gets pretty much all her money from me.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 30, 2013 at 01:06 PM
Oh so very glad my teenagers are of the boy variety.
Posted by: Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food | October 31, 2013 at 09:23 AM
Defending yourself in Kitchen Court is so much easier. You still can't win, but at least you get to make a case.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 31, 2013 at 10:42 AM