Good Morning Kamikazians and welcome to a brand new season of "It's Too Fucking Cold in the Greater Chicago Area." It is - despite an ongoing smear campaign by certain members of my immediate family - one of our most popular features.
And why is that? I'll tell you why: It's because I am not afraid to say it. It's too fucking cold in the Greater Chicago area. People know this on a certain level, but no one wants to talk about it. The people of the prairie are in complete denial.
"You call this cold?" they will say, raising a frozen eyebrow in scorn. "Back in the winter of 00-something, it was so cold we had to wear coats over our clothes."
If you get caught wearing a coat before the temperature falls below ice rink, they will look at you as if you are an alien, which let's face it: if your parents' parents didn't grow up within a snowball's throw of the house you're freezing in, you are.
There is a lot of pressure to pretend it isn't cold. You can see it in the icy grimace of the early morning dog walkers, the stroller pushers, the teenagers who walk to school with icicles hanging off their basketball shorts.
And of course, a few years back, the conspiracy went so far as to include a recalculation of wind chill, which had the effect of making the reported temperatures higher than they really were, which was already higher than they actually felt.
I'm pretty sure I read this somewhere. I could look it up for you, but my whole point is: I don't need someone else to tell me when it's time to start complaining about the weather. I just know.
Photo: Too soon? That's what they want you think.
from the archives: Chicago winter forecast: Yeah. It's Going to be Cold