1. Reading advice lists that have "Every Woman" in the title. That is an awful lot of women.
2. Getting suckered into someone else's idea of what you should or should not be doing. Unless they really seem to know what they're talking about. And then maybe you should. Who am I to say?
3. Taking stuff seriously that comes in lists of 23. Everyone knows that credible recommendations only come in lists of 10, 11, or 18. Or unnumbered bullet points. Also, I read something really useful once that came in paragraphs.
4. Not Viewing Food as the Enemy: If food is not the enemy why it is robbing you of so much of your time? Think of what you could accomplish if you never had to set foot in a grocery store again. Or clean up after someone else had eaten it. Food IS the enemy. Anyone who tells you differently is working for the teenagers.
5. Making verbs out of nouns that were kind of suspect to begin with. Unless you want to, in which case, verb away. Obviously.
6. Feeling like you deserve the raise you won't be getting. This will only lead to bitterness. Better to have another glass of wine. Remember, you can't spell "winner" without wine.
7. Taking bad pictures. For chrissakes, it's 2013. Celebrity diet news and volumizing mascara have been around longer than Facebook. Stop treating your social interactions as anything less than a Vanity Fair cover shoot.
8. Failing to live up to the virtual lives you see on Facebook. Like it or not, the Internet has raised the bar on what constitutes a life worth living. If yours doesn't measure up, for fuck's sake, get yourself invited somewhere a celebrity might be.
9, 11, 16 and 22. Taking advice from celebrities, who are no more likely to know what they are talking about than you do. Unless they do. In which case, you should probably subscribe to their Twitter feed.
10. Wearing flats. Nothing says "I've stopped trying" like a pair of heels you can actually walk in.
12. Taking a pass on your sex life.Whoever says your "number" is unimportant probably thought they were never going to need algebra again after high school. You can't spell sex without X. I'm pretty sure that's algebra.
13, 14. Anyone who tries to convince you that you should give up "trying to be chill" and stop "fearing the label 'crazy' " may not be "giving you the best advice." If you are hearing "chill" and "crazy" on a regular basis - and it is not coming from inside the house - you should maybe give it some thought.
15, 17-19. Pinterest, relationships, vacation days. Chill. Go a little crazy. Do whatever the fuck you like. Just do it in heels.
20, 21, 23: I'm inclined to agree. But I'm not going on the record until I know where Zooey Deschanel stands.
From the bad advice archives: The hardest thing about parenting teenagers: So little celebrity advice
Ha! Love this list -- my favorite is #5!! Verb away!
Posted by: Darcy Perdu | September 30, 2013 at 03:20 PM
This just made my Monday complete - especially the fact that this particular list numbered 23!
Posted by: Gigi | September 30, 2013 at 04:35 PM
Because 24 would be too many.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 30, 2013 at 09:25 PM
wait what about the magic list numbers 3, 5, and 7--I thought those were the only numbers you could use for a list-this has changed my world view.
Posted by: SH | October 01, 2013 at 06:42 PM
Prime numbers are a classic rhetorical device, but credibility requires a completely separate formula that applies a mix of subjective criteria and stuff I make up.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 01, 2013 at 08:37 PM