Boy Esq. is driving me home from work after borrowing my car to do whatever it is he does all day while I am bringing home the bacon, which is just an expression because we have actually been living on Cheerios and fast food for months now.
I decide this is a good time to get a start on my going-off-to-college speech, which is still a little rough in places, but it's not like he's going to hear it anyway since he's got Kendrick Lamar blowing up the speakers in language no good mother would be car dancing to, but whatever.
When you are working as a figure skating-secret agent-comedy sketch writing-English-tutoring-corporate shill and managing a family of malcontents, you dance when you can. Sheryl Sandberg taught me that.
The point is, he leaves for college in less than a week - or possibly two weeks? I have it written down on my calendar somewhere - and I haven't done anything right for a very long time now. I know this because he tells me so.
Me: Just because you're going to be living across the country doesn't mean you can't ask for help. I'm available by phone or text 24/7.
Boy, Esq. (disgusted): You haven't been available to me 24/7 since kindergarten. Look in your purse. I bet you ten bucks your phone isn't even turned on.
Kendrick Lamar: Hold up is that you? With them big old thighs after school?
Me: (defensively) It is on. I swear. I turn it off during tutoring sessions, but I turn it back on as soon as I can. Really. I swear it's on.
Kendrick Lamar: And that shot my pride, I tried to improv, but no freestyle, I never do...
Boy Esq.: (shakes his head) Hand it to me. I bet it's on silent. You can't even hear it.
Kendrick Lamar: Yeah ya nails did, ya hair did, your cellphone is selfish. It only got numbers that come with a hummer her new prima donna I smelt it.
Me: I'm not going to hand it to you while you're driving. Slow down. Besides I don't need to hear it. I'm right here. Talking to you right now. In person. With real mom advice. Also, I have my credit card. Do you want fast food?
Boy Esq.: You never answer it.
Me: That's not true. I answer it all the time. How many times do you need to call me in a day?
Kendrick Lamar: I'm grown now, I'm on my own now, I'm poppin'. Change my phone now. When I get home now, I got options. Fast forward, wait is that you?
Me: Oh god. Call me right now. I swear I'll pick up.
Before mine went off to college for the first time, I wrote him a letter. I figured he'd NEVER hear the advice I had to give, so I made him read it, in the hopes that somehow it would sink in.
And as for the blase attitude? It's all bravado, because just today mine informed me that at this time last year he was freaking out. Which stunned me, because last year at this time, while I was freaking out, he was playing it cool, and I never even realized that he was losing it.
Posted by: Gigi | August 09, 2013 at 04:18 PM
Did you make a copy? Because I'm not sure what is even supposed to be in this speech.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | August 09, 2013 at 04:49 PM