How to get a man to have sex with you during mulching season

I've had to work for it before, but I never thought I'd see the day when I had to compete with a bag of shredded tree bark. That's like one step above dirt.

Men in the Midwestern suburbs can't get enough of it.

But how to work it into your repertoire without all the mess and the splinters? Is it enough to just smell like a freshly opened bag of cedar chips? Does anyone even make a push-up gardening bra? These are the kinds of questions nobody at Home Depot seems to have considered.

Let's look at the options:

1. Yard work-themed dirty talk

Drawbacks: Not as easy as it sounds. Is that an invasive species or are you just happy to see me?

2. Offer to let him try out his landscaping skills on you.

Drawbacks: Not as sexy as it sounds. Potential for nicks, cuts, aesthetic differences.

3. Sex on the lawn

Drawbacks: Kind of a cliché. Also, frowned upon by some neighborhood associations, so you have to begin by reading the bylaws. Kind of a mood killer.

4. Offer to weed in exchange for sexual favors.

Drawbacks: You'll feel like a hoe. (Insert groan here.)

5. Threaten to begin off-site landscaping

Drawbacks: Please. Like you're going to have any better luck in the neighbor's yard.