People are always telling me, "Suburban, you are like the perfect wife."
Okay. That's not true. My friends are always telling me I am the worst wife ever. But there is no possible way they have done the kind of research that would be required to support a statement like that. As far as I know, no such research even exists. Who would do it? And what sort of criteria could pass for objective?
I think I am as qualified as anyone to say that Mr. Kamikaze is a lucky man, plus or minus a few percentage points for margin of error. But I am not one to rest on my laurels. You don't get laurels that look like this by resting on them.
Even so, I am always looking for ways to be an even better wife. Than some.
After 11, 14, or possibly 20 years of marriage, I find it often comes down to the things I don't do. I don't buy him tickets to the theater or the ballet unless I know there will be nudity. I don't ask him to go shopping with me. I never ask for his opinion on matters of fashion, personal grooming or song lyrics. I don't tell him my dreams, unless they're dirty, and I don't expect him to remember what I want for my birthday, Christmas or Valentine's Day. I write it down for him and tape it to the front of the refrigerator. Then I e-mail it to him at work. Then I just buy it for myself and tell him thank you.
I'm not saying it's a perfect system. It's just better than yours. Possibly. It's also possible I am doing everything completely wrong. In which case, you should probably do it differently.