1. Actual, unironic coupling between unreasonably attractive people, just the way you like it. I swear to god. I am not even hiding behind parody on this one.
2. If I can't sell enough copies, I will be forced to write something earnest, and bloated with metaphors that do not work as double entendres. And no one wants that.
3. If you have even a single working nerve ending that has not yet been destroyed by the uninterrupted grind that is suburban family life, you will find something to enjoy. Even if it just the fact of coming - to the end. Okay, that was probably over the line and I apologize. Not that I have any idea where the line is. Which is kind of a bonus reason when you think about it.
4. If Moby Dick teaches us anything, it is that we ought to be doing everything we can to encourage the genre of literature spawned by the overactive imaginations of underemployed, suburban PTA member housewives. Because at least there are no whales.
5. I am pretty sure it was New York Times critic Michiko Kakutani who said, "Anna Karenina would have been so much hotter if she and Vronsky had holed up in a lake house with a few bondage accessories."
6. For the children. I can't even afford college application fees, let alone the pricey, overachiever colleges Boy Esq. has his eye on. Financing his application fees with mommy porn is worth it for the essay material alone. He will have the Stanford admissions people eating out of his hand.
7. My friends have been trying to get me to write dirty stories for years. I am pretty sure this is just a ploy to get me to stop telling them at PTA meetings, but still, your purchase will give them hope that maybe they won't have to keep picking up the check at dinner for the rest of their lives.
8. No actual bodices were ripped in the making of this e-book.
9. Let's face it: the city of Chicago has not exactly welcomed me into its big, stupid shoulders. I can't even get a job proofreading at so-called institutions of higher learning, whose rejection letters, by the way, are not exactly masterpieces of compelling prose. I'm looking at you, University of Like You're Going to Find Anyone Better.
10. Whoever said "love is all you need" never had a child in the Riverca$h-Brookmoney Public School District, Motto: We Ran Through All Your Tax Money Thinking Up Ways to Charge You for Stuff Like Textbooks, Teachers and Desk Rental; Actual Learning Costs A Little Extra.
Cover art and design by Rick McCawley
Congrats! I am readying my novel for e-publishing, and I am terrified as to what I need to do. Great cover!
Posted by: sher | September 07, 2012 at 06:13 AM
Thanks. A Rick McCawley cover is worth a thousand dirty words.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 07, 2012 at 08:08 AM
Only you could get a sinkhole into the first chapter of your little reverie. Excellent! Although, I only read it for the writing. xo
Posted by: Cynthia Barnett | September 07, 2012 at 09:00 AM
You were inspirational.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 07, 2012 at 09:12 AM
That pic cannot possibly be a parent because we all know where babies come from and she's certainly not birthed one.
Also, a sinkhole? I am off to purchase the book now because I am all about a perfectly timed sinkhole (I still wish my ex would disappear into one.)!
Sending love, fluffy kittens, and the debris under my couch. You're welcome. ;)
Posted by: Forgotten | September 07, 2012 at 10:30 AM
There are never enough kittens around here.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 07, 2012 at 10:39 AM
Because at least there are no whales. This is precisely the right way to admire EVERY SINGLE book that is not Moby Dick. You are so smart that I think I will have to buy this book.
Posted by: MommyTime | September 07, 2012 at 05:53 PM
I am convinced Moby Dick would have been a far more readable book with a little less whale - recognizing of course the difficulty in getting just the right amount of whale.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 07, 2012 at 06:57 PM
I’ll have to think about this first. After what you did me when I sent you the first chapter of my awesome powerful “was to be” best seller, I might not be able to read this without making a few helpful comments of my own. Such things as, “On Come-On, you know you wouldn’t have touched that thing that quickly unless he first washed it in Pine Sol and then sprayed it with Oxy Power. Yeah, dream on.”
The other thing is I got it all dialed in here with robotic sexercise, you know, on the knees, on the couch, from behind, like that.” I would hate to mess that up if the Little Woman got her mitts on this book and it changed my sexercise course even the slightest. You know how it is; it takes a long time for a guy to get the woman programmed like car wash. For instance, just last week I final got her to yell, “It’s Good!” You know how long that took me to groom her on that one alone? Years!
I would hate to be planting new ideas. I don’t know. Awful risky.
Posted by: Audubon Ron | September 08, 2012 at 07:02 AM
I just bought it, sight unseen! (I'm usually one to get the free sample first, but my willingness to fork over $2.99 is a testament to my faith in this work). If I love it, I will recommend it to my book groups (AKA The Fifty Shades of Gray crowd).
Posted by: Dawn | September 08, 2012 at 09:11 AM
I wish I had written "programmed like a car wash." That is porn gold.
In my book, he programs her more like a coffee maker, which seems kind of lame now.
Thank you Dawn. Be sure to post your reviews on the Amazon page. If you hate it, just write "it was way too filthy and also too short." Then click all the little stars. For the children.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 08, 2012 at 10:55 AM
It is actually REALLY good (I mean, for the genre). I'm not finished yet, but you're an excellent writer. I hope this makes you a million dollars.
My amazon reviews are under my real name, something I've been meaning to change for a while now. Once I set up a new name, I will definitely give it five stars.
Posted by: Dawn | September 09, 2012 at 07:52 AM
Merci. It was actually a lot of fun. (I mean for the genre.) Particularly the part where my board of directors and I argued over things like which Starbucks blend is the sexiest? And are we really supposed to believe she falls for him just because he's successful, handsome and an overachiever in the bedroom? Shouldn't he also be really good with tools?
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 09, 2012 at 10:49 AM
Congratulations. We knew you had it in you. Your Sex in the Suburb posts are among my favorites.
I wonder though, as I’ve grown to love your deliciously snarky style on this blog, can I read your book without sensing sarcasm between every line? We’ll just have to see.
Posted by: Jess | September 10, 2012 at 03:17 AM
I see punchlines everywhere. It is something of a mixed blessing between the sheets.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 10, 2012 at 05:12 AM