1. Actual, unironic coupling between unreasonably attractive people, just the way you like it. I swear to god. I am not even hiding behind parody on this one.
3. If you have even a single working nerve ending that has not yet been destroyed by the uninterrupted grind that is suburban family life, you will find something to enjoy. Even if it just the fact of coming - to the end. Okay, that was probably over the line and I apologize. Not that I have any idea where the line is. Which is kind of a bonus reason when you think about it.
4. If Moby Dick teaches us anything, it is that we ought to be doing everything we can to encourage the genre of literature spawned by the overactive imaginations of underemployed, suburban PTA member housewives. Because at least there are no whales.
5. I am pretty sure it was New York Times critic Michiko Kakutani who said, "Anna Karenina would have been so much hotter if she and Vronsky had holed up in a lake house with a few bondage accessories."
6. For the children. I can't even afford college application fees, let alone the pricey, overachiever colleges Boy Esq. has his eye on. Financing his application fees with mommy porn is worth it for the essay material alone. He will have the Stanford admissions people eating out of his hand.
7. My friends have been trying to get me to write dirty stories for years. I am pretty sure this is just a ploy to get me to stop telling them at PTA meetings, but still, your purchase will give them hope that maybe they won't have to keep picking up the check at dinner for the rest of their lives.
8. No actual bodices were ripped in the making of this e-book.
9. Let's face it: the city of Chicago has not exactly welcomed me into its big, stupid shoulders. I can't even get a job proofreading at so-called institutions of higher learning, whose rejection letters, by the way, are not exactly masterpieces of compelling prose. I'm looking at you, University of Like You're Going to Find Anyone Better.
10. Whoever said "love is all you need" never had a child in the Riverca$h-Brookmoney Public School District, Motto: We Ran Through All Your Tax Money Thinking Up Ways to Charge You for Stuff Like Textbooks, Teachers and Desk Rental; Actual Learning Costs A Little Extra.
Cover art and design by Rick McCawley