Q. How many teenagers does it take to empty the trash bag?
A. Who knows? This is a question that has no point outside of a philosophy textbook. You may as well ask how many teenagers can dance on the hood of your car after washing it. They are never going to empty the trash bag as long as there is still a nano-speck of space in or around the trash bag into which additional trash can be wedged.
You are the one who should be dancing on the hood of your car right now because this arrangement of food-encrusted debris actually represents enormous progress by the standards of Ordinary Teenage Trash Management Practices, which are so low that some have argued they cannot really be called "standards" at all.
The perfect cocktail pairing? Submit your recipes in the comments section.
from the archives: Back to School Cocktails: Because We are One Post-it Note Away from a 3-Ring Breakdown
Suburban Trash Bag
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz triple sec
1/2 oz whatever you have left
3 oz of cranberry juice unless teenage boys have been drinking it straight from the carafe again. Which they have.
3 oz of orange juice, unless the carton in the refrigerator is actually empty. Which it is.
Wedge empty orange juice carton into space next to trash bag. Pour whatever liquor you can find into last remaining clean glass in the house and garnish with resignation. Ask: "Is someone going to take out this trash?"
Abandon drink on a bookshelf. Take out the trash.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | August 10, 2012 at 03:05 PM
That is one chore I "refuse" to do - oh look how witty I can be.
Posted by: Gigi | August 10, 2012 at 04:05 PM
Applause on both counts.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | August 11, 2012 at 07:33 AM
I think that's a feast more befitting of Miller Lite. In a can, of course.
Posted by: Dawn | August 11, 2012 at 05:55 PM
I have a trash compactor.
Posted by: Audubon Ron | August 12, 2012 at 08:22 AM
What I've learned from this is that my husband is mentally a teenager.
Posted by: Stacey | August 12, 2012 at 08:59 AM
I have two 17-year old boys on a diet of takeout food, Oreos and whatever they can sucker teenage girls into making for them. My entire house is a trash compactor.
Chant with me: Back to school, back to school, back to school, back to school...
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | August 12, 2012 at 01:48 PM