1. Get your mom to take you and a friend to your favorite pizza restaurant for lunch. Right after breakfast.
2. Order the mozzarella sticks right away because your mom's ability to say "no" is weakest at the beginning of the meal. At this point she still believes there is a chance you will actually eat everything you say you can eat. Also, she is distracted by the wine list.
3. As soon as your appetizers arrive, count them and divide them as carefully as if you were stranded on a desert island with those kids from Lord of the Flies instead of in an Italian restaurant with one other 14-year-old girl and your mom's credit card at 11:30 in the morning.
4. Order the deep dish cheese pizza with the cheese-stuffed crust. Because the more cheese the better.
5. Leave the crusts on your plate. Because nobody eats the crusts.
6. Finish with the signature "deep dish cookie" dessert. Because that is the reason you picked this restaurant in the first place. Duh.
7. Ask the waiter to box up the rest of your pizza. Then leave it on the table for your mom to carry.
8. Wait about three hours before asking, "what's for dinner?" When your mom says "leftover pizza," look at her like she just said something really crazy. Because that is just crazy.
A second helping of this topic: How to feed 4 teenagers for 2 weeks for under $1 million
How about, develop a menu for a meal so complicated they can't actually cook it, but get halfway through, leaving adults no choice but to finish the job? And, order one of the most expensive entrees on the menu (Seafood Pasta) and then pick out the seafood, leaving two pounds of pasta. Oh wait, that's How to Eat Like a 15-Year-Old.
Posted by: Executive Suburbanite | May 04, 2012 at 12:11 PM
There's a sequel. Great.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | May 04, 2012 at 03:57 PM
How about, whine that "there is never anything any good for dinner" when told that nachos are not an actual food group, and then proceed to eat three huge home-made tacos stuffed with stewed pork, cheese and sour cream, a pile of broccoli dipped into a lake of ranch dressing, and two glasses of milk. Followed by a whine 45 minutes later that only a dish of yogurt and berries will make it possible to sleep because "I'm starving." I realize that is How to Eat Like an 8-Year-Old, but you can see why it terrifies me for the sequel in another six or seven years, can't you?
Posted by: MommyTime | May 04, 2012 at 06:12 PM
It gets better. Okay, that is not true. I just wanted to give all the parents of teenagers a bitter laugh at your expense. Sorry about that.
It actually gets much, much worse. Little known fact: There is more milk spilled in one year of middle school than in all the elementary school years combined. And that is only counting accidental spills.
Don't even get me started on glass breakage, wasted food and food consumed directly from the refrigerator.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | May 04, 2012 at 06:27 PM
Sub one mother with Audubon Ron and you got yourself one EPIC Italian food dinning experience. Those kids know how to eat, y'all!
Posted by: Audubon Ron | May 05, 2012 at 05:56 AM
Are you free for dinner? Because they're already hungry again.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | May 05, 2012 at 11:19 AM
so my take away on all this is that no matter the age, the school day off is still a drain on the wallet. And the contents of fridge and pantry never reach any sort of respectablness. Fabulous. I can't wait.
Posted by: Stephanie | May 05, 2012 at 02:34 PM
yes they start to think that the only real food is found outside the home--anything at home does not count
Posted by: S.H. | September 06, 2013 at 06:23 PM