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I suppose me saying "my children will never be allowed to drink/eat directly from the container without intervening dishes/utensils" will make you laugh just as hard as my pregnant friend saying "my toddlers will not be allowed to throw temper tantrums in the grocery story" made me laugh when I had a three-year-old?


Is that really spaghetti in his hand?

Suburban Kamikaze

Oh please MT, a little warning. I just sprayed wine through my nose.

And yes, AM, that is how the boy interprets "serve yourself."


Audubon Ron

I think it is time for the Audubon Ron "How To Cook" video modules for the 17-year-old.

1. Put on this apron. (It is by no happenstance that the word Ron is a function of the word apRon.)
2. Dude, peel this potato until you find the carrot in the middle.
3. Tomorrow's lesson will be "How To" peel a carrot until you find the potato in the middle.
4. The cooking word for today is "preparation." It's right before the word mastication.
5. The word mastication BTW is right before the word Loadthedishwasheration.
6. You don't work, you don't eat. Can it be that simple? Someone say Yes.

Boy, I’ll tell you like my Daddy told me, “Someday you’ll make some lucky gal a fine wife.”

Suburban Kamikaze

If you have to peel it, it's not food-food, says the boy, who offered the following definition:

Food-Food noun: "Shit you can put in the toaster and crap you can eat out of the box."

"Don't buy ingredients," he says, "because then we have to ask you to cook them for us and you act like a martyr."

By ingredients, he means: things that must be added to at least one other thing before being eaten with a fork.

"Nothing good ever came out of a toaster," I say, in a voice full of courage and suffering.

"'Good' is something you made up with your rich, snobby, wine country appetite," he says.

By which he means a taste for food that is eaten from plates, preferably in a teenager-free setting.



If he could use a spatula as adroitly as he does the word "martyr" in a sentence, he would be golden.

P.S. I am sorry to have made you waste what was probably a very nice sip of wine.

Suburban Kamikaze

Frankly, I was surprised to learn that toasting was an option. He has really come a long way.


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