-Girl Kamikaze: "Why don't you just give her a stick instead?"
If there is one day that demonstrates the truth of the idea that middle school girls are secretly running the world, it is Valentine's Day.
Nowhere is the ruthless efficiency and single-minded pursuit of their goals more in evidence than in the run-up to Feb. 14 - a day that has been so painstakingly scripted that any member of the romance syndicate can tell you exactly how it is supposed to play out.
It begins weeks in advance as the girls brainstorm the romantic possibilities.
"You and your friends come up with a really cute scenario," our middle school romance expert tell us.
The chosen scenario is then leaked to the designated boy by a girls' advance team, whose job it is to oversee the presentation from start to finish while making the boy believe he is operating under the influence of free will.
There are zero points awarded for originality here. Spontaneous gestures are strongly discouraged. People are still talking about the year that "M" went rogue, choosing an assortment of gifts for the target of his affection without consulting a single member of her posse. The fact that his gift was considered "cute" did little to mitigate the scandal.
"Don't get me wrong," says our expert. "Spontaneity can sometimes be cute. Just not on Valentine's Day."
Really, could it be any clearer? It is better to do nothing at all than to get it wrong.
And yet, despite the best efforts and meticulous planning of Team Girl, there are boys who will inexplicably deviate from the protocol.
Here, according to Girl Kamikaze, are the Top 5 Ways Middle School Boys Will Go Wrong Today: (in order of egregiousness from least to greatest)
5. Do nothing at all.
4. Include a written Valentine card or note in a relationship of less than 4 weeks duration.
3. Enact a Valentine's Day scenario that has not been pre-cleared by her friends.
2. Present her with chocolates in any container NOT shaped like a heart. "Why don't you just give her a stick instead?" opines the girl.
1. Attempt to initiate a romantic relationship with a girl for whom you have not been pre-approved by the syndicate.
Good luck today. And Happy Valentine's.
from the middle school romance archives: Middle School Romance Syndicate Leaves Nothing to Chance, Girls' body art leaves sixth-grader Joseph Borowski confused, hopeful, Match.com Junior High