Other ideas for specialty sympathy cards being batted around Hallmark Inc. headquarters:
Pending Indictment - Thinking of You, But In No Way is the Enclosed Cash Intended to Influence Your Decision Re: naming of co-conspirators
Your Nude Photos Just Went Viral - Cheer Up: It's Nothing that 10 Years and a Pricey Public Relations Firm Can't Mitigate Somewhat
Caught cheating on your wife - We Never Really Liked that Bitch! Best of Luck in the Property Settlement.
Rejected College Application -
Acceptance Coming to terms is the first step toward moving on.
Lab results indicate a STD - Stay Positive. Just Kidding! But seriously, laughter is the best medicine.
Foreclosure - Hope this Card Reaches You in Time to Extend Our Condolences!