Hardly a week goes by when my inbox does not include recipes, inspiration or product tips from the ranks of celebrity parents.
Every childbearing A, B or C-list performer in Hollywood is available to help me make my own baby food, narrow the options in $600 strollers or juggle the demands of work and toddler care on $10 million a year.
It's not that I don't understand the importance of spreading the word when a former sitcom cast member has discovered a new diaper changing pad that she really, really likes. That's news.
But where the fuck is Courtney Cox Arquette when I am trying to get a 13-year-old out of bed or teach a 16-year-old how to drive without resorting to profanity? How many fucking Post-It notes does it take to get a teenager to remember an orthodontist appointment? What is the earliest you can begin drinking Margaritas on a school day? Why is there an empty milk container in the refrigerator? Am I the only one in the house who knows how to replace a roll of toilet paper? WTF Angelina? Am I completely on my own here?
Photo: There is no shortage of advice on how to wear celebrity baby shades, not that my niece seems to have caught on.
Yo, yo, yo - language.
Posted by: Audubon Ron | September 27, 2011 at 06:48 AM
English, mostly. Sometimes I throw in a little French or Spanish for their cultural edification. But I swear, it's like they can't hear me.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 27, 2011 at 09:37 AM
I think you should write a book: "All the Stuff about Parenting Teens that Celebrities Won't Tell You" (aka "How to hide your weed where they won't find it" -?) I'm sure it would be a big hit.
Posted by: MommyTime | September 27, 2011 at 10:19 AM
1. It's really, really hard no matter how famous you are.
2. Nannies are pretty much useless at this point no matter how much you can afford to pay them.
3. Someone is going to offer them money to write an unflattering book about you.
4. They don't need the money but they'll do it anyway.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | September 27, 2011 at 10:38 AM
Here's my theory:
Older, pock-faced, smart-mouth tween/teens are a liability to the celebrity set. They're not cute anymore, and thus are no longer a stylish accessory.
You think celebrities even see those kids on a daily basis? That's what those fancy boarding schools are for -- a dumping ground for older kids during the unpleasant adolescent stage.
They're only allowed back into society when they're old enough to model or act.
Posted by: Seriously Jess | October 01, 2011 at 03:42 AM
OMG ...If the celebrities can't make them tolerable, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 01, 2011 at 04:15 AM
Cheer up! I'll bet Brangelina will be calling to adopt your teens any day now. They're running out of fashionable Third World country children to accessorize with.
Posted by: foolery | October 03, 2011 at 01:46 PM
Brangelina could just about afford them.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 03, 2011 at 05:58 PM
I could use some celeb advice on parenting teenagers. The shit I'm dealing with now is not something anyone tells you when they hand you your wee swaddled infant in the hospital and send you home with that free Similac kit.
Posted by: Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food | October 05, 2011 at 12:27 PM