I know what you're thinking: Like, how hard could it be?
Two, maybe three times a week you throw out a lazy pun and a picture of your kids, or a couple sentences of gratuitous sexual innuendo that might be considered "edgy" in the hopelessly moribund pages of a daily newspaper, but which by Internet standards have about as much edge as your grocery list. Which you are not above using as source material.
Sounds easy, right? But are you going to make waffles? Think carefully before answering. Because this is not a simple question. This is only the opening query in what will blossom into a full-scale deposition conducted by the 16-year-old who just moved himself into your office with the single-mindedness of F. Lee Bailey trying to get to the bottom of -- something.
Go ahead, if you think it's so easy. Finish your sentence. Complete a thought. Try to write a headline that doesn't have the word "waffle" in it, which F. Teen Bailey has just used six times in the same sentence to impugn your parenting, grocery shopping and time management skills.
He is relentless when it comes to breakfast.
"This is why I have to interrupt you 3,000 times because the first 2,999 times you don't get anything done," Mr. Bailey says. "Why can't you make waffles? Why didn't you just buy cereal at the grocery store? Why did you buy the stuff to make waffles if you're not going to make waffles?"
You could try arguing. You could try getting him to leave your office. But the fastest way to the bottom of the next sentence is through the kitchen. Yeah, you are going to make the waffles. It's just a matter of time. Call it a compromise, call it capitulation. Call it whatever you want. And then pour syrup all over the top of it.
My point is this: Someone is going to have to take over the ahem, daily operations here while I am doing research for my forthcoming waffle, I mean screenplay: It opens in a Parisian cafe where a young man is attempting to order waffles.
My fear is that my guest editor will spend the two weeks that I am gone giving you everything you actually want in a blog: Useful advice, oversharing, kittens wearing hats. Effortlessly correct pronouns in the objective case. I'll come back and you won't even have missed me. Whom or who might this be, you ask? Who or whom can possibly fill your shoes? And how long before kittens?
I'll let you know as soon as she agrees not to post the road trip photos. Now, who wants waffles?
A guest blogger? They do have the des Internet and La Twitter in France, right? (Though I am reasonably sure the waffles there are called crêpes and they do not hold syrup well)My point being that wherever you are sampling the great waffles of the world, the Suburban Kamikaze is just one WiFi or 4G touch or click away from the blogosphere. A vacation from ones daily life is no excuse to actually unplug for goodness sake! I happen to know that there will be an IPad within easy reach at all times. Not that a guest blogger isn't a fun idea, but what makes you think that F.Teen Bailey won't decide to unofficially help out said guest blogger and write a few lines in his own defense? I know he isn't the actual guest blogger, however, I also know how freakishly easy your passwords are to guess and that he will be joined by Clarence "Bat Boy" Darrow in your absence. Once they run out of tennis games with the girls next door and kill themselves off in LA Noire they WILL hot wire your car and cruise to Canada, or Bolivia and what do you suppose will be left to do after that? That's right. The Mommy Blog. This duo isn't your run of the mill hamster ping-ponging, olive cupcake baking, running bathwater on the pool table threat to home and country. Oh no. One half of this duo can drive a golf cart like Mario Palmer. The other half is the best navigator since Lewis and LoJack and has an actual state-issued license. I can personally testify that he can come up with the entire subterranian map of New York over cheesecake at breakfast and would never unintentionally end up at Coney Island or even Kalamazoo without intent and forethought. Your guest blogger will have to do way more than blog or flip waffles. I do hope you are disclosing this potential security threat up front. Way up front. Because if something does happen, I can guarantee that you won't have to flip many waffles to find out who jacked the blueberries er blackberry...
Posted by: nthnglsts | July 30, 2011 at 11:11 AM
And seriously, how long until the kittens?
Posted by: nthnglsts | July 30, 2011 at 11:47 AM
Well you're in charge of security too. I think the boys will be easy to spot. All of their posts will be about food.
Kittens, yeah. You will probably triple the readership.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | July 30, 2011 at 04:31 PM
About a kitten named Waffles?
Posted by: ladykay | July 31, 2011 at 04:44 AM
I may need a full-time kitten editor.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | July 31, 2011 at 07:02 AM
You had me at waffles. I'm allergic to Cats, the musical. Come back soon.
Posted by: foolery | August 01, 2011 at 10:00 AM
Quickly to the point, you are - an amazing individual.
I for one like your gratuitous sexual innuendos and gladly prefer that to waffles (Kittens? Not so much).
It has taken many years to cultivate a palate for all things SK. It is unlikely I will read a guest writer. I will wait for your return.
Wait a minute, what does she (who or whom guest writer) look like?
Posted by: Audubon Ron | August 01, 2011 at 10:20 AM
The boys are tall and rangy with inconsistent hygiene practices. My posse members all radiate light from their pores and smell like good red wine. Good with horses and children. Opinionated but lovable. Do not fuck with them.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | August 01, 2011 at 11:37 AM