The only thing we love more in the suburbs than a tax break is a holiday.
So when we heard about the latest proposal to create a tax holiday, we could not contain our enthusiasm.
And every little bit of money we get back from the government is money we can use to help offset the crushing burden of what we owe to some other part of the government - or pay out to the part of the economy that needs our money to stockpile offshore profits.
"Par-tay!" screamed the headline in The New York Times. On closer reading, we realized that what it actually says is this: Companies Push for Tax Break on Foreign Cash.
Technically speaking, it seems that this proposed tax holiday isn't for us; it's a deal that would allow some of the country's biggest corporations to take a tax discount on whatever part of their kazillion-dollar profits they opt to move back inside the country, where it will reduce the deficit and stimulate the economy by some fraction of the amount they say it will.
But according to lobbyists for those very corporations, it's going to be a party for all of us when those companies turn around and start creating tons of new jobs with their savings! Seriously. It's going to be awesome.
Please tell us someone besides a utilities executive is willing to vouch for the idea that this will be a good thing for the rest of us.
"For every billion dollars that we invest, that creates 15,000 to 20,000 jobs either directly or indirectly," says Duke Energy executive Jim Rogers, whose company has $1.3 billion in profits stashed overseas, according to the story.
We have no idea what that means, directly or indirectly, but you'd have to be a complete stick-in-the-mud to point out that the last time corporations promised to spend a similar tax break on a party for the rest of us, our invitations got lost in the mail.
According to The Times, citing a study by the National Bureau of Economic Research, 92 percent of the money generated by the 2005 tax holiday was "returned to shareholders in the form of dividends and stock buybacks" which, while it may not have created any jobs per se, was unquestionably a boon to the ice-sculpture industry.
Still a holiday is a holiday, and frankly, a holiday that leaves us paying more for just about everything while the value of anything we actually own is shrinking as fast as corporate tax liability is the perfect opportunity to employ some of the same American ingenuity that brought us bathtub gin and squirrel stew.
I have never actually tasted squirrel, but there's no question that the Depression era's hardships inspired many a fabulous cocktail, some of which could also help start a nice fire under a bubbling pot of squirrel.
So use your imagination, your hairspray or whatever you have fermenting in the bathtub and scratch out a recipe idea on the piece of scrap paper containing the current assessed value of your home. Then submit it in the comments section here as part of our Summer of 2011 Liquid Stimulus Package.
The winner, as chosen by a Suburban Kamikaze tasting panel convening in the backyard later this summer, will be immortalized in toasts and song.