Midwesterners are not a shiny people

Picasso's mommy leaves a message on my voice mail:

"I'm calling to find out where at your house you would like me to leave the glitter bomb I am making for you. Please direct me to the least convenient spot possible, because that is where all the glitter in my house has accumlated, thanks to you. As soon as you've got your spot picked out and properly coated in glue I will drop it off."

Look, I tell her, if you send me your first-grader for the afternoon, things are going to get glittery. I thought I made that clear.

I didn't spend the equivalent of an Ivy League tuition payment at Overpriced Craft Extravagana Incorporated just to let that shit sit on the shelf.

I am not responsible for the "glitter bomb" that went off in your house any more than I am responsible for the fact that little Frida Kahlo went a little heavy on the stuff in creating her masterpiece, Glitter on Glitter, 2011. 

Inspirational, maybe, but not responsible.

I am not the type of parent to come between a first-grader and her artistic vision. Not with all this glitter just sitting here!

Those two surly teenage postmodernists who replaced the adorable little Impressionists who used to live with me? They couldn't care less about glitter these days, unless it is in the form of currency or nail polish. So yeah, you send me your little Jackson Pollock and I am going to open the glitter studio.

I am bursting with repressed glitter ideas.

If there is anything more satisfying than a day spent doing elementary school arts and crafts, I don't know what it is, although hearing you describe the glow that our project brought to your office comes very close.

And maybe it's just the margaritas talking but if there is anything in your office worth more than your child's creative impulses, it may be time to rethink your unshiny Midwestern priorities. Maybe you could make me another margarita while you're at it?

Look at the bright and sparkly side, I tell her. When I sold the house in South Paradise where my children spent their arts and crafts years, it was worth twice what we paid for it. I have to think all of the glitter crusted into the tile grout had something to do with that.  You should be thanking me.   

"Midwesterners are not a shiny people," she says. 

Really? Then how do you explain this?

Glitter seashore with ice cream, Midwestern first-grader, 2011.

Comments

[Kiltmama]

Glitter. The herpes of the crafting world...

[Suburban Kamikaze]

But shiny, happy herpes. Way more fun than, say, yarn.

SK

[jacqui]

How can anyone not understand that you are bursting with repressed glitter ideas? I love the final product...very pretty...and shiny.

[Michael]

Wow, Picasso's mommy sounds like a total crank.

[MommyTime]

I love the fish eating the ice cream cone. Also, the waves of blue glitter. However, much as I love a good craft project or bout of art-induced deafness (mostly the 5-yr-old suffers from this: she can hear nothing else when she is in the creating process), I will admit to abhorring all things glitter that come home from preschool. It's not that I'm not shiny people. It's just that I FINALLY vacuumed up the last of the Christmas tree needles, and the glitter is now threatening to usurp their places.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

It's like a party for your floors.

SK

[Executive Suburbanite]

I'm repeating myself, I know (yes, phoning it in really), but I'm fairly confident that glitter has nothing to do with housing prices. Although I'm thinking that the housing bust in South Florida could have something to do with the guy scrubbing out all your tile grout glitter.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

We made him pay extra for that. We told him it was imported from Italy and applied by craftsmen. Very small craftsmen.

SK

[Dana]

This post cracked me up! I can't wait until my toddlers are old enough to get into "real" craft projects. Oh, I wish I could send them to your house so they could join the glitterati.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

If there were a gallery of toddler art, I would be there for every sticky show.

SK