Mommy's Customer Service Center and Wine Bar

Hello. Thank you for calling  Mommy's Customer Support Center and Personal Assistance Hotline. To continue in English, please press 1. 

For quality assurance purposes, your call may be monitored or recorded. It is also possible that your call will be ignored while Mommy finishes a fishbowl-sized glass of Pinot Noir while surfing the Internet for naked pictures of English movie actors. Your call is very important to us!

In order to provide a more efficient level of service, please select one of the following options:

For homework assistance, press 1.

For algebra-related homework assistance, press x, where x = Mommy's grade on her 10th grade algebra final multiplied by the number of ounces in a fishbowl-sized glass of Pinot Noir. 

For food-related grievances or demands, press 2 pieces of sandwich bread together with your choice of available spread or meat filling.   

To report a lost or stolen house key, press 3 times on the doorbell while reflecting on whether or not you have shown a sufficient level of responsiblity to be issued another house key.

For transportation support, press the button that raises the door to the garage where you will find a selection of bicycles capable of delivering you to your destination.

If you wish to report an intractable sibling dispute, press 4 chrissakes, why does it matter who gets to sit in the front seat?

If you are facing a social emergency that requires last minute laundering of your cutest jeans/favorite hoodie, press the buttons on the front of the washing machine. They are self-explanatory.

Please hold while your call is transferred.

Hello. Thank you for contacting our sibling dispute resolution center.  For help in settling a television-related dispute, press the off button on the remote control.

For help in settling a dispute over whose musical taste is superior, press your fingers into your ears and move away from the source of the Bieber.

For information on how to settle a dispute over seating arrangements, get up and press 1. Or 2. Or 3. The important thing is that you get up.

For all other inquiries please remain on the line or press zero for the amount of allowance you will be receiving this week.

Thank you for calling Mommy's Customer Service Center. Our offices are currently closed.

 

From the Mommy Can't Hear You Archives: iPod Mommy, Remote possibility

Comments

[Paulita]

Clever and entertaining. I hope those poor children don't strain their fingers from pressing all those buttons. Do you have someone who could help them with that?

[Suburban Kamikaze]

Sigh. That would be me.

SK

[Josie]

Thanks, Pat. I can always count on a laugh from you.

[MommyTime]

I think I need to print this out and keep it somewhere handy until my children are old enough to read. Do you think you could do us all a favor and write a picture-book version for the younger set?

[Suburban Kamikaze]

It's the least I can do. Your edition of Grover's Alone and Together memo has raised the hopes of parents everywhere. If Grover can't get through to them, who can?

http://www.mommysmartini.com/2011/01/memo.html

SK

[Cynthia]

Dare I say it could be worse: If you were stuck in a part of the deep south where mommy says "mash" the button instead of press.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

Mash, press, push, it's all just so much noise to a teenager.

SK

[ReenB]

Funniest thing I've read all week. Thanks!

[Suburban Kamikaze]

You're welcome. Call back anytime.

SK