I wake up to find this in my inbox:
"The SK has nothing to say about the Oscars? Tap tap tap....just waiting for the SK to tell me what I should wear, what party to attend, with whom, and which movies make the cut...You can’t just leave green jello up all week. People get bored. They topple governments."
Can you believe it? It's now my fault that people are rioting against the government in the Middle East and Wisconsin.
I may have stirred things up a little bit in the cheese state, but honestly, I have never even been to Tunisia.
Just because I have a lot of shoes doesn't mean you can lay everything at my feet.
On the other hand, I suppose the Jell-O cup is getting a little stale. Not literally. Literally, it looks completely unchanged. In any civilized place, like the Greater Miami-Fort Lauderdale Area, that cup would be an ant planet by now, complete with its own Dolce & Gabbana and a walk-in plastic surgery center.
My point is, I welcome your complaints and I admit I have left you hanging a little bit on the whole Oscars thing. So just to clear that up: I will be wearing Gap. Corduroy, of course, but with lots of chunky jewelry and my rhinestone-adorned Infinity Scarf. Because otherwise, what the hell did I buy that thing for?
Honestly, sometimes I look in my closet and I think, whose life is this? Because I spent pretty much the entire week wearing the same pair of gray corduroys and a black t-shirt. And there are at least three Oscar-caliber dresses hanging in there.
Then I remember, it's aspirational. If Ari Emanuel calls with an invitation, I won't even have to think about what I'm going to wear.
As for the movies themselves, I will be booing loudly at any mention of the word "Inception," because an endless series of car chases and explosions taking place inside a dream, inside a movie, is just as boring as an endless series of car chases and explosions taking place anywhere else inside a movie. The correct answer is Winter's Bone.
But while we're on the subject of complaints can I just say that I have been really, really busy? No?
The truth is, there are weeks where I just don't have enough time for you. But it's not because I don't care. It's because I do.
Every single SK post goes through a rigorous process of quality assurance. You would not believe how much time I spend on things like hyphens. That is how I know that the trademarked brand of gelatin dessert has one. There is also fact-finding followed by fact checking. That is how I know that the gelatin dessert on the window sill in my daughter's room is not actually Jell-O at all. Then there is the process by which I decide to call it Jell-O anyway, because "gelatin dessert" sounds like something some asshole in the Kraft public relations department would write.
There are also, sadly, stretches during which I am not in the least bit funny. I swear. You can ask my family! Sometimes I use this time to write stories for other less funny publications. Then, exactly at the point at which these stories are due, I return to SK with a vengeance that is known as "procrastination."
I could write an entire screenplay in one sitting with a deadline for something else hanging over me. And it would still be better than Inception.
Hey! My daughter has those same polka dot sheets! And hers are also in the laundry basket waiting to be folded! Does this mean that, in spite of my abuse of exclamation marks, I'm almost as cool as SK?
Seriously, though, I enjoy your blog and your commentaries on NPR.
Posted by: Leslye Queen | February 26, 2011 at 12:59 PM
We'll be watching the Oscars here, despite the fact we have seen only about 14% of the movies involved. This will in no way discourage us from having strong opinions about all the entries -- just another way in which we here are like members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
As for your adoring blog fans -- let them eat cake. Or read less funny, more gun-filled blogs (just sayin'). Write when you please.
But I do think there's one thing your loyal readers really do demand to know:
Whose camouflage underpants are those you have so carefully staged on top of the laundry basket?
Posted by: Suburban Sheepdog | February 26, 2011 at 04:15 PM
Anyone, or body for that matter, who folds laundry with a Manhattan in her hand shouldn't have complaints. Think of all the poor people in laundry mats all over America who have to settle on a Bud Lite.
I would often tell my Ex on Oscar night when she turned every TV on in the house, "I got an Oscar for ya."
Of course, that would have to wait until the following Thursday night, which was the usual allotted time to prepare the stationary bike.
Posted by: Audubon Ron | February 26, 2011 at 06:16 PM
If you bought those sheets Leslye, you are exactly as cool as I am. Though I'd have to see your kitchen towels and table linens to be absolutely sure.
I would tell you those were my camo underwear Sheepdog, but that sort of thing would constitute an outrageous come-on in the gun-loving world and I'm pretty sure Mrs. Sheepdog would kick my ass.
That sort of banter, Audubon, is romantic comedy gold. I do hope you're working on a screenplay.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 26, 2011 at 07:39 PM
I don't know. The SK has an obligation to her fans to post pretty regularly now. Those days of writing when she pleases are gone. There are paying subscriber(s) to her blog on Amazon and I'm pretty sure they aren't just donating their $.99 per month you know. As to the sheets, if they are de la Renta you can probably pair them with pearls for the Oscars. After the no match shoes Helena Bonham Carter wore at the Golden Globes, I'm pretty sure anything goes as long as it is 300 count...
http://www.celebitchy.com/138021/helena_bonham_carter_why_not_wear_mismatching_shoes_who_says_we_cant/
Posted by: nthnglsts | February 27, 2011 at 09:04 AM
I could write an entire screenplay in one sitting with a deadline for something else hanging over me. ME TOO! But probably not at any other time.
On the matter of Oscar attire, I have personally discovered that anything sparkly in the neck region is a very fine distraction from the lounge pants that are de rigeur if one is planning on snacking enough to stay awake throughout the entire Oscars. (The only reason celebrities don't need snacks is that they are wearing undergarments so tight that it takes all their concentration just to breathe enough not to pass out.)
Posted by: MommyTime | February 27, 2011 at 12:26 PM
Mr. Executive's response to your comment about writing a screenplay better than Inception: "Do it then." He knows full well, like we all do, that this is another one of those SK all-talk, no-action moments that Mr. Kamikaze is so familiar with.
Posted by: Executive Suburbanite | February 28, 2011 at 02:13 PM
If only better than Inception were the goal, we'd all have screenplays, dahling. But I am reading Tom Stoppard - a cure for delusions of talent if ever there was one. Perfectly brilliant. I may never write another word.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 28, 2011 at 06:38 PM
Speaking of car chases..."He [Stoppard] also does uncredited script-doctoring on Hollywood movies, "about once a year": most recently he worked on Paul Greengrass's The Bourne Ultimatum."
http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2010/apr/14/tom-stoppard-the-real-thing
It's like a nightmare within a nightmare within a dream. No?
And actually, the original Inception may well have been--Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, if you think about it, which I haven't, since 10th grade English.
Just keep spinning your pen. Just so you know it's all real.
Posted by: nthnglsts | March 02, 2011 at 07:09 PM
I suppose I owe Inception's author an apology now. Probably has three in the drawer the Swedish Academy would swoon over, but which instead will be hacked up for spare parts in the next blockbuster-action-alien 3D thriller. Starring Sandra Bullock.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | March 03, 2011 at 10:39 AM