I wake up to find this in my inbox:
"The SK has nothing to say about the Oscars? Tap tap tap....just waiting for the SK to tell me what I should wear, what party to attend, with whom, and which movies make the cut...You can’t just leave green jello up all week. People get bored. They topple governments."
I may have stirred things up a little bit in the cheese state, but honestly, I have never even been to Tunisia.
Just because I have a lot of shoes doesn't mean you can lay everything at my feet.
On the other hand, I suppose the Jell-O cup is getting a little stale. Not literally. Literally, it looks completely unchanged. In any civilized place, like the Greater Miami-Fort Lauderdale Area, that cup would be an ant planet by now, complete with its own Dolce & Gabbana and a walk-in plastic surgery center.
My point is, I welcome your complaints and I admit I have left you hanging a little bit on the whole Oscars thing. So just to clear that up: I will be wearing Gap. Corduroy, of course, but with lots of chunky jewelry and my rhinestone-adorned Infinity Scarf. Because otherwise, what the hell did I buy that thing for?
Honestly, sometimes I look in my closet and I think, whose life is this? Because I spent pretty much the entire week wearing the same pair of gray corduroys and a black t-shirt. And there are at least three Oscar-caliber dresses hanging in there.
Then I remember, it's aspirational. If Ari Emanuel calls with an invitation, I won't even have to think about what I'm going to wear.
As for the movies themselves, I will be booing loudly at any mention of the word "Inception," because an endless series of car chases and explosions taking place inside a dream, inside a movie, is just as boring as an endless series of car chases and explosions taking place anywhere else inside a movie. The correct answer is Winter's Bone.
But while we're on the subject of complaints can I just say that I have been really, really busy? No?
The truth is, there are weeks where I just don't have enough time for you. But it's not because I don't care. It's because I do.
Every single SK post goes through a rigorous process of quality assurance. You would not believe how much time I spend on things like hyphens. That is how I know that the trademarked brand of gelatin dessert has one. There is also fact-finding followed by fact checking. That is how I know that the gelatin dessert on the window sill in my daughter's room is not actually Jell-O at all. Then there is the process by which I decide to call it Jell-O anyway, because "gelatin dessert" sounds like something some asshole in the Kraft public relations department would write.
There are also, sadly, stretches during which I am not in the least bit funny. I swear. You can ask my family! Sometimes I use this time to write stories for other less funny publications. Then, exactly at the point at which these stories are due, I return to SK with a vengeance that is known as "procrastination."
I could write an entire screenplay in one sitting with a deadline for something else hanging over me. And it would still be better than Inception.