The Underachiever's Guide to Accessorizing

I have been following the middle school girls around the mall for an hour, pretending to admire the endless racks of branded t-shirts and hoodies that pass for fashion in the seventh grade, when they finally wander into a store where everything doesn't look like part of a Little League uniform designed by The Gap.

"This is cute," I say, drawing something from the racks at Forever 21.  "Look at this."

I make a few other suggestions, which they do not even pretend to consider. They head across the store to search out novelty t-shirts and hooded jackets. What is the point? They talk fashion, but they dress like clones.

I browse the $5 treasures strewn across a lace and candelabra covered table and come up with a forearm's worth of cheap bracelets and a dangly piece of third-world craftsmanship to hang around my neck.   

I am at the register when I feel their accusing glances. Over my shoulder I can see them murmuring. Each holds a small yellow bag containing a t-shirt.

What? I say.  

"Mom," says the 12-year-old. "We can't shop here anymore if you're going to shop here. It's uncool."

"You call that shopping?" I say. "You bought a t-shirt." 

I pull the tags off and proceed to accessorize right outside the store.  They pretend to be mortified. I pretend that $10 worth of costume jewelry makes me a fashionista.  

Then I buy them each a snowcone and everything is cool.

Comments

[Paulita]

When you're finished with that "necklace" can I use it for my curtain tiebacks?

[MommyTime]

You look exceedingly hip in that photo. If I didn't know that from the neck up, you are a mom with a brain, I would certainly assume based on this shoulders-down photo that you are some kind of clubbing fashionista.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

That is the magic of the $5 accessory/curtain tieback table... combined with the little buzz of having been a source of embarrassment to a couple of middle school divas.

SK

[Cindy Goodman]

Tell me you weren't shopping at Forever 21!

[Suburban Kamikaze]

It felt like Nordstrom's after an hour in Aeropostale and Hollister.

SK

[Sue]

The only time I've ever been to a Forever21 was (of course) with my daughter. They buyers must have been going through a black phase and the clothes were actually pretty sharp. I didn't buy anything because sometimes you know you just don't belong.

[nthnglsts]

All I can say is curtains in SoBe must be flapping because those "tie-backs" are all the rage here. You are lucky you have girls. Very literate response in comparison to the responses of certain boys. When I recently queried my 14 year old about shopping with him in Aeropostale for a family photo shoot he said, "why're you all up in my grilz on this?" It worked. I went straight back to Liz Claiborne where I belong.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

We had jewelry-inspired tiebacks on the curtains a few years ago. Huge mistake in a house full of children. Now we just use bread ties.

SK

[nthnglsts]

Lucky you. Bread ties in my house are never seen again after the first slice. Perhaps if I used jewelry to secure the bread?

[BOSSY]

This adheres to Bossy's strict fashion guidelines, which equals cheap as shit.