The Underachiever's Guide to Anti-aging

CoverGirl and Olay want to know: Tell us what you do to live agelessly!

People are always asking me how I manage to stay so youngish and vibrant well into what should rightfully be my declining years, if I were not one of those hateful skinny bitches with a personal trainer and a calendar full of salon visits.

At the lavish birthday parties I force my friends to organize for me every year, I am frequently accused of aging backwards, as if that were even possible!

I laugh and open the gift certificates for expensive spa and beauty treatments that I have asked them to bring and say "I don't know what you are talking about! Just the other day, I thought I saw a gray hair!"

But when they insist on knowing my secrets, I tell them:

Live, love, laugh; do not concern yourself with age! After all, you are only as old as your last birthday and it won't be long before things like that are going to slip your mind anyway, along with the location of your car keys and the names of your neighbors. I am just kidding, I say. I crack myself up. Which may explain some of those little lines around my eyes...

Seriously, I say, the important thing is... Then I go through a list of cross-stitch platitudes about wisdom and fine wine and agelessness, all of which is meant to convey the idea that age is really just an attitude that has nothing to do with whether CoverGirl's Simply Ageless concealer does or does not settle into the fine lines and wrinkles across your ageless face.

Because agelessness is kind of a mixed message when you think about it.

Photo: A tiara and a scowl add a little glow to any makeup routine. You're welcome.

Comments

I'm glad you're blogging so much, but that photo does not let your inner beauty shine through. Is that your driver's license photo?

Posted by: Paulita | February 01, 2010 at 12:07 PM

What, they let you drive? At your age?

Posted by: Audubon Ron | February 01, 2010 at 12:23 PM

I can't post photos of my inner beauty. I am a member of the PTA for chrissakes.

Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 01, 2010 at 12:31 PM

I can't tell if Audobon Ron is giving you a huge compliment ("non, non, cherie, you look only fourteen") or an insult ("seriously? aren't you at the 'take a test every year to be sure you aren't senile yet' stage of driver's licensing?"). What a conundrum he packed into two such short questions.

Posted by: MommyTime | February 01, 2010 at 05:21 PM

All I can say is the only cross-stitch gift I ever got was from the SK.

Posted by: nthnglsts | February 01, 2010 at 08:30 PM

You are referring, of course, to the Daniel Craig pot holder I made for you. It took me a really long time to get the Speedo right.

Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 02, 2010 at 08:19 AM

SK has the ability to take the worst photos of herself. Of course, I have some photos of her that would definitely show one version of her inner beauty.
But seriously the other day I found myself reading the fine print on Strivectin or some such at Costco -- I can't actually need anything like this, right? Right?

Posted by: Executive Suburbanite | February 02, 2010 at 08:24 AM

And you are referring of course, to the "Women of the PTA" calendar that I posed for a few years ago. It was all very tastefully done. Plus, it was for the children.

Also, if you can actually read the fine print on the Strivectin bottle you probably don't need it yet.

You're welcome.

Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 02, 2010 at 08:41 AM

Audubon Ron, on the other hand, may be referring to rumors - slander, really - that we are unable to back out of the driveway in a straight line. These rumors are spread by a certain member of the Kamikaze household who will remain nameless, but who has the ridiculous idea that it matters which shoulder you look over when you are backing up. This is the stupidest argument since the one about hanging toilet paper, and somebody should really let it go.

Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 02, 2010 at 09:33 AM