Your Chance to Win the Stuff Under My Couch

OMG! It's the first ever Suburban Kamikaze Giveaway. And just in time for the season of giving. How cool is that?

At SK headquarters, we are inundated with offers of free stuff. But despite the temptation of offers like free dental floss in exchange for an essay exploring the unique qualities of our dental floss, we have never come across one that felt quite right.

While it is true that we have, on occasion, agreed to write for as little as zero cents per word, we have not yet reached the point where we are willing to give away our sole marketable skill for waxed string.

It may come to that.

In the meantime, it doesn't seem fair that SK readers should be left empty-handed. Not that the gift of Not Having to Read Dental Floss Reviews is not uncommonly generous in the blogging world, but we wanted to offer something more personal. Something more in keeping with our theme, which is Christ, It's Cold In Here.  My Family is Driving Me Crazy.  At Least There Are No Dental Floss Reviews.

My point is, this is your Lucky Day. One of you is going to win All The Stuff That is Currently Under My Couch. Exactly what this gift bonanza includes, I cannot tell you. The possibilities are beyond imagination, I assure you. But I promise you this: I am going under there for you. And whatever I find, it's yours.  

To enter, leave a comment below describing what you would be willing to do for the opportunity to score free dental floss. Keep in mind that this floss is touted as "Reusable and Portable and packed in a credit card size carry-pouch to make our day-to-day life simpler." (This is what is known as a 'bad hyphen day' in the copywriting world and is not intended as an endorsement of haphazard punctuation or dental floss.) 

Our panel of editors will select a winner based on originality, degree of self-abasement and, of course, punctuation.

Blogwhoring archives: Eggs are awesome!

Comments

[Paulita]

I am not willing to not win what might not be one of the opportunities to avoid knotting my portable dental floss, which has not happened in the past but could happen in the future without the help of reusable, portable dental floss. (This was an exercise in trying to figure out what all the double, triple, quadruple negatives mean, wasn't it?)

[Sue]

To score free dental floss, I would be willing to visit my dentist twice a year, where I will receive said floss plus a little tube of toothpaste and sometimes a toothbrush, also some interesting pamphlets on gum disease. This is the stupidest contest ever, and if I win I will accept the contents of your sub-couch only if I can send you the contents of mine. And I have three cats.

[Miss Spoken]

For free dental floss, I would totally give you all the stuff under my couch.

[Jane]

Wait...what? Reusable dental floss? Gag!

I go sit through a boring dental cleaning every 6 months for the free floss.

[Audubon Ron]

Is this what we call a sweepstakes because you swept under your couch and the stakes are high because there might even be a slightly used condom under your couch?

[nthnglsts]

So, what I'm hearing is, if I give you dental floss, you will take away all the stuff under my couch? Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

[Forgotten]

If I gave you the things under my couch, my kids would cry. I'm pretty sure the majority of their toys are under there, along with a few stale french fries and some dead bugs. I'm willing to part with the fries and the bugs. Interested?

[Suburban Kamikaze]

You are going to have to trust me on this: there is an astonishing array of household artifacts under my couch. Stuff that makes no sense whatsoever, unlike condoms, cat hair or my use of triple negatives. It is like an upholstered clown car...

[Sue]

Since a lot of people here seem to want to give you their couch crap rather than accept yours, instead of a contest I suggest the SK equivalent of a cookie exchange. When shall we be there, and will there be wine?

[Suburban Kamikaze]

That is pretty close to a brilliant idea, anthropologically speaking. And by that I mean, does anyone know any handsome anthropologists we could invite?

SK

[MommyTime]

I'm not sure I would do anything for dental floss, which my dentist gives me for free (well, in compensation for sitting in the chair and having my teeth scraped pitilessly). But for REUSABLE dental floss??!? Ugh. I would be willing to run really far and fast (and I'm seriously out of shape) to avoid that horror. As for what's under your couch, if it resembles what's under mine -- a few lone Cheerios, a rubber snake, a robot grabber arm, the lid to a "perfectly good" container someone threw out because it no longer had a lid, paper scraps, one mis-matched shoe, and, if you're lucky, evidence of the mouse we had last summer -- well, I'm not sure I want it, either, though I thank you for the generosity. However, I would dearly love a list of what's under your couch.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

We will be doing a complete inventory as soon as the contest deadline passes. Which will be at some point after we set a contest deadline. Or after Sue shows up with a bottle of Cotes du Rhone and a bag of cat hair. (And yes, Forgotten, we're going to need those fries.)
Not to give anything away, but one of the items on your list? Is under my couch. Odd, since my principal suspect is nearly 15 and yours are barely out of preschool...

[CynthiaK]

And this would be my first time reading SK. I'm not sure what to make of this. In fact, I'm not exactly sure I should be here. Seems like a part of suburbia my shoes aren't cut out for...

[Sue]

Cotes du Rhone? Is that one of the flavors that Arbor Mist makes?

[Forgotten]

Upon more sweeping, I also found a giant foam puzzle piece, a couple oversized legos, and a stale chicken fry. I'll bring the chicken fry, too. (I swear they don't get anything but gummy snacks and teddy grahams on my couch but somehow one of them keeps sneaking out of the dining room with contraband food items. I just don't have the energy to frisk him every time he leaves the table.)

[Suburban Kamikaze]

We welcome all shoe types here Cynthia. Okay that's not true. It's all types of wine.

SK

[Ruth]

I already won all the crap "stuff" that is under my couch and I don't need to win what's under your couch but the dental floss sounds good