What a year this has been for Chicago moms! Their teeth have never been whiter. They've unlocked the secret to killer abs and wrinkle prevention and they're earning upwards of $63 an hour working from home! Is there anything they can't do?
What accounts for this embarrassment of success, I cannot say. But the wisdom of middle age cannot be ruled out as a factor. I know this, because the women in these amazing success stories are almost exactly my age! It's spooky really, how they show up on the borders of my computer screen with their inspirational pitches for beauty and career assistance.
The ads become more insistent, the profiles more personal day by day.
"Chicago-area moms, ages 45-46.5, needed to respond to crassly manipulative advertising campaign now! You know who you are. Sitting there sighing with your glass of cheap red wine perched next to the keyboard waiting for the phone to ring so you can sell your qualifications to the 22-year-old editor of some crappy business-to-business publication whose Facebook page is probably decorated with tattoos. Or kittens. Finish your novel already! Nora Roberts has written 16 in the time it took you to come up with a title for chrissake! Wouldn't you like to have whiter teeth?
Photo: Chicago mom Dara Torres has unlocked the secret to killer abs.
Abs come easy when you’re 5’11” and weigh 150 lbs. I’m 5’11.” My head by itself weighs 150 lbs. (I have a big head)
I married one like that, 5’8”, 100 lbs, minus the $63 per hour and I can’t say I’ve ever seen mine in water. Mine is also 49. Mine likes cheap wine. Mine helps little kids come to the realization life delivered them a raw deal but that’s never a reason to lie to their therapist.
If it’s too good to seem true, it probably is. If it makes you feel any better, Dara can’t stay married longer than 3 minutes. If one believes everything they read on Wikipedia, her daughter is the effort of herself and her fertility doctor, who are not married, but “they do remain close friends.”
So let’s raise the bar, let’s see Dara have three children, stay married to one guy, break swim records and write a book. So, you and Dara are even the way I see it.
Posted by: Audubon Ron | July 08, 2009 at 02:20 AM
Oh, I thought that was a picture of you. She's probably not nearly as witty.
Posted by: Paulita | July 08, 2009 at 03:03 AM
Dara can do anything she wants to, I would guess. Ten bucks says she already has a book contract... The resemblance is uncanny, but I've been letting my hair grow out a bit.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | July 08, 2009 at 08:38 AM
she is way too skinny
Posted by: jennifer | July 08, 2009 at 09:11 AM
That bitch with those abs! I wanna hate her, but I can't. Even though I have 7 fewer inches on which to spread my 150 - oh fine, shut up, 160 - pounds.
Your comment at Foolery about the push-up bra and ze French accent made me giggle. Glad I stopped by.
Posted by: Meg | July 10, 2009 at 12:34 PM
But of course! It is all in my forthcoming book: The Underachiever's Guide to Looking Hot.
Hope to see you back again.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | July 10, 2009 at 01:02 PM
I had to enlarge the photo to get it because I thought she had seams around her thigh muscles. It turns out that's simply the water line in her pool, but for a while there, I was really sort of horrified by her legs. I found that oddly comforting, which is probably not very nice of me. Sorry.
Posted by: MommyTime | July 10, 2009 at 05:00 PM
The Underachiever's Guide to Looking Hot - now that's a book that would sell. If you would actually write it. Which you won't.
Posted by: Executive (no longer sub)urbanite | July 11, 2009 at 09:07 AM
If you photoshop David Bowie's head on her body, it all becomes very clear. Killer abs went out with glam rock and unisex hair. With or without the water lines, killer abs on a woman are tres' scary and a bit stringy looking, no?
Posted by: nthnglsts | July 12, 2009 at 09:24 AM