A day spent forcibly undergoing spa treatments at the hands of two tween girls is no day at the spa

Their methods are part CIA, part Food Network.

"I don't believe I have an appointment," I say, arriving home to find myself whisked upstairs to the room that used to be my bedroom and which was now a full-service salon. Whatever plans I had for the afternoon do not concern them. 

They have rearranged furniture, carried plastic bins of steaming hot water up the stairs and are fully in character. "I wonder if I should just change into some old clothes?" I say, spying a mixing bowl full of something that looks like oily oatmeal. 

"It will be fine," the little one says sharply. "Lie down."

There is nothing to do but comply. My shoulders, hands, feet and bedspread are massaged with ginger-scented lotion.  An "anti-aging" paste that smells like bananas - but which also contains honey, sugar and lemon - is applied to my face and two or three inches into my hairline with a basting brush.  A cloth soaked in hot water goes on top.

For two or three minutes, I breathe nothing but banana paste and carbon dioxide.  A separator is forcefully wedged between my toes.  My cuticles are attacked with a sharpened stick. I cry out only once, when a bottle of nail polish tips sidewise on my bed. It is blood red. I tell them nothing.

Later, they bring me a New Yorker and a glass of wine. I know I look years younger, or at least softened up, because this is when they choose to reveal the price of all this pampering.

"It would be nice," the tall one says, "if we could get pedicures."  The little one agrees. "You could take us to the spa!" she says, as if the idea has just occurred to her.  

But I was not born yesterday. I just have really good skin.

Comments

[Paulita]

You see, that's why they don't need pedicures, because they think the point is the painted toenails and not the pleasure of the process.

[MommyTime]

This is complete awesomeness -- both the post and the sneaky effort. My daughter is crazy for the pedicure too, but as she's only three, she knows that the rule is that there must always been an old towel under any feet to which polish is being applied. Now, if only I can teach her how to google recipes for banana face masks...

[sher]

ah yes. the home spa experience. i get it on mother's day and my birthday, when The Girl forces me to lay (lie?) on my stomach (ever so comfortable for those of us with back issues) and "massage" freezing cold lotion all over my back.

i can hardly contain my joy, either.