How to tell when your writing career has completely stalled

1. You spend more money at Office Depot on ink and paper than you have earned all year. 

2. You actually take the time to do the College Board's Official SAT Question of the Day. You totally rock at language arts, by the way. Not that the editorial department at Playboy Enterprises Inc. seems to care.

3.  You write back to the First Amendment organization guy who didn't even think it was worth his time to call you for an interview and who sent you a rejection e-mail addressed to "Beat Reporter Applicant."

     Dear First Amendment Organization Person:

    Thank you for taking the time to update me on the hiring process. I know how anxious you must be to fill this position. I don't know how you can sleep at night knowing that you have writing like this on your Website: 

    "April showers are supposed to bring May flowers, but at a local public school and at two of  our nation's leading Catholic universities, academic freedom is under attack, threatening the Spring knowledge bloom."

    Ack. Seriously, you need to fill that job yesterday. Also, my name is not "Beat Reporter Applicant."

    Sincerely,

    Embarrassed for You

4.  You almost send it.

5. You have run out of dustballs to vacuum even though you moved all the furniture in your teen-ager's room. 

6. You are actually spending time in your teen-ager's room.  

7. You are teaching yourself to solve quadratic equations because Charles Seife's book "Zero" has made you desperate to understand the mathematical constructs behind String Theory.  Not that the people at the University of Chicago seem to care.

8. You are kicking figure skating ass in your edge class, because while all of the other skaters are busy trying to pass second grade, you are racking up some serious ice time.  Not that the people at Sports Illustrated seem to care. 

9.  Your last two writing assignments paid off in wine and Nordstrom's gift certificates.  

10.  You have started putting your byline on the grocery lists. 

Comments

[Paulita]

I bet those grocery lists are the best ever. In addition to the items you need, you probably include another column with the items you don't need to remind you what a good provider you are. I'd be proud to put my name at the top of that.

[eurolush]

I find it hard to believe your writing doesn't bring you fistfuls of cold hard cash...when it brings such joy to me.

Okay, maybe "such joy" is the wrong description.

Let's try this again...

When it brings "so many spit takes" to me.

There, that's better.

PS-You should've sent in the letter. Seriously.

PPS-Have you found the "hidden treasure hiding place" in your teen-ager's room? I have. In my 14 year old's room. Contents: A giant, empty bag of Lay's Potato Chips (I don't even buy that brand), an empty box of Christmas candy canes (stolen from my stash sometime in December), countless candy bar wrappers and a one litre bottle of Coke (again, I don't buy litre bottles of Coke.)Why so sneaky? Jayzus. It's like we don't feed him or something.

PPPS-I haven't told him I found his secret spot. Let's see what turns up next time...

[Suburban Kamikaze]

Not long ago, I found a half dozen cans of soda stashed in Boy Esquire's bottom drawer. I replaced them with cans of green beans and peas.

[Missives From Suburbia]

Wait... not everyone puts their bylines on their grocery lists? Really? Dang.

[Lisa]

Don't you just hate it when your talent is unrecognized? It sucks.

[nthnglsts]

Grocery lists? That gives me an idea, but someone has already done it, so technically it isn't my idea...Milk Eggs Vodka: Grocery Lists Lost and Found(Hardcover)
by Bill Keaggy; my favorite goes like this: Butter, Count Chocula; Honeycombs; Hookers; Blow; Frozen Meals for lunches; Garlic Bread; Creamer; Cellophane for gifts to mail and crabs (crossed out)

[Audubon Ron]

You're a wonderful writer. Be cool. God closes one door and ALWAYS opens another.

PS: Just because you don't believe in God doesn't make Him go away, now does it?

[ShallowGal]

I've been trying to remember Michael Scott's joke about how magic camp is filled with second graders because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then tie it into ice skaters.

[nthnglsts]

A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids.

--Steve Carell as Michael Scott

[Suburban Kamikaze]

Hah. That is a perfect quote... I like to tell the second-graders in my skating class that they're a little bit short for figure skating, but they'll grow into it.