This is how I begin my career as a whore. It is a good start, I think.
I have plagiarized the wording from another blogger's paid review of an awesome new Discover Card feature, (The Discover Card is awesome!) but whoring is not an occupation where originality counts for much.
There are so many opportunities. According to a recent marketing research report titled "Why You Should Pay Bloggers to
Whore For Talk About Your Brand," the practice of getting bloggers to shill in exchange for money, prizes or free stuff is catching on.
I can do this. How hard can it be?
It's true, I have in the past - okay always - demonstrated a pathetic tendency toward under-compensated writing. Not that my writing doesn't make money. In fact, many of the stories I have written as a freelance journalist are sold and resold on websites all over the Internet. It's just that none of the money goes to me. But still, the satisfaction ... priceless.
Okay, well not exactly priceless. I am paying Typepad for the privilege of typing this sentence. I pay writing groups for the privilege of membership. I pay fees to contest editors for the privilege of having my stories considered. In short, as Mr. Kamikaze likes to point out, I am a cost center in the family publishing business.
And this is no time to be squeamish, right? There are bills to pay. And so, I will begin with Whoring for Overpriced Chicken Products and this solicitation to women bloggers:
For a chance to win $1,000 and six months of free eggs from Eggland's Best eggs, simply tell us how eating eggs plays a part in your healthy lifestyle.
Eggs are awesome. We use them to make creme brulée, which my children would eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are like a bazillion calories in creme brulée, which is French for "sugar and cholesterol" I think...
I begin again.
Eggs are awesome. My daughter likes to make creme brulée. Many more eggs are broken in the process than are actually required, but trial and error is a healthy part of learning, right?
I cannot summon the necessary enthusiasm for the egg-eating lifestyle. I look to the contest pitch for inspiration, where I learn that Eggland's Best are not just ordinary eggs:
"These eggs are nutritionally superior to ordinary eggs without giving up one bit of the great egg taste you love."
Also: "The United States Government has granted Eggland's Best a patent titled "Eggs Compatible with a Cholesterol Reducing Diet and Method of Producing the Same."
Now I am in trouble. Because while I may aspire to a career in whoring, I am, by temperament, a faithless skeptic. Because what does the U.S. patent office have to do with nutritional claims? I ask myself. But this is the wrong question. The right question is, what United States government agency does evaluate nutritional claims?
This line of questioning will get you nowhere as a whore.
You are approaching this the wrong way, SK. Here is what you need to say: "I love eggs but I only buy eggs from companies that are nice to their chickens. That is why I buy Eggland's Best. The Eggland chickens are cage-free. This does not necessarily mean that they are allowed outside, but that's ok; have you ever seen how muddy a barnyard can get? So Eggland takes care of their chickens in a way that appeals to me, a blogger with lots of wealthy liberal readers who have the welfare of chickens on their minds for much of the day. I and all these wealthy people sleep better at night knowing that the chickens whose eggs we eat are content, and as everyone knows, sleep is essential to a healthy lifestyle. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Why, the happy chicken, of course - how else can you get such fantastic eggs?"
I prefer expensive free-range eggs myself, because then I know they really are very nice to their chickens. But don't tell the Eggland people that, and enjoy the money I helped you win.
Posted by: Sue | March 20, 2009 at 02:28 PM
You're a GREAT writer and love of my heart.
Posted by: Royce Cutlass | March 20, 2009 at 03:54 PM
I am all for being nice to chickens, but I guess my point Sue, is how would you know? This company has twice had to settle with the FTC over charges its nutritional claims were deceptive. Now it wants mommy bloggers to spread the message. Mommy Bloggers don't answer to the FTC. Otherwise I could never hawk my Get Rich, Lose Weight and Make Your Children Behave While You Sleep Beauty Cream.
*$99.95, while supplies last.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | March 21, 2009 at 05:05 AM
Well of course one never knows if the chicken people are being nice to chickens. That's why you must pay attention to labels that might falsely indicate niceness - like "cage free". Of course Eggland's nutritional claims could be bogus; so could their nice chicken claims. Enter the contest with your own bogus information and win it; you've already demonstrated that you can write a potentially-winning entry while also telling the truth, which most mommybloggers and mommybloggerreaders will spot a mile away. I just think that the (bogus) happy-chicken angle will take you over the top.
Posted by: Sue | March 23, 2009 at 12:15 PM