This is how I begin my career as a whore. It is a good start, I think.
I have plagiarized the wording from another blogger's paid review of an awesome new Discover Card feature, (The Discover Card is awesome!) but whoring is not an occupation where originality counts for much.
There are so many opportunities. According to a recent marketing research report titled "Why You Should Pay Bloggers to
Whore For Talk About Your Brand," the practice of getting bloggers to shill in exchange for money, prizes or free stuff is catching on.
I can do this. How hard can it be?
It's true, I have in the past - okay always - demonstrated a pathetic tendency toward under-compensated writing. Not that my writing doesn't make money. In fact, many of the stories I have written as a freelance journalist are sold and resold on websites all over the Internet. It's just that none of the money goes to me. But still, the satisfaction ... priceless.
Okay, well not exactly priceless. I am paying Typepad for the privilege of typing this sentence. I pay writing groups for the privilege of membership. I pay fees to contest editors for the privilege of having my stories considered. In short, as Mr. Kamikaze likes to point out, I am a cost center in the family publishing business.
And this is no time to be squeamish, right? There are bills to pay. And so, I will begin with Whoring for Overpriced Chicken Products and this solicitation to women bloggers:
For a chance to win $1,000 and six months of free eggs from Eggland's Best eggs, simply tell us how eating eggs plays a part in your healthy lifestyle.
Eggs are awesome. We use them to make creme brulée, which my children would eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are like a bazillion calories in creme brulée, which is French for "sugar and cholesterol" I think...
I begin again.
Eggs are awesome. My daughter likes to make creme brulée. Many more eggs are broken in the process than are actually required, but trial and error is a healthy part of learning, right?
I cannot summon the necessary enthusiasm for the egg-eating lifestyle. I look to the contest pitch for inspiration, where I learn that Eggland's Best are not just ordinary eggs:
"These eggs are nutritionally superior to ordinary eggs without giving up one bit of the great egg taste you love."
Also: "The United States Government has granted Eggland's Best a patent titled "Eggs Compatible with a Cholesterol Reducing Diet and Method of Producing the Same."
Now I am in trouble. Because while I may aspire to a career in whoring, I am, by temperament, a faithless skeptic. Because what does the U.S. patent office have to do with nutritional claims? I ask myself. But this is the wrong question. The right question is, what United States government agency does evaluate nutritional claims?
This line of questioning will get you nowhere as a whore.