You will have to forgive me if I seem flustered.
I am caught in the heat of a timeless Medieval romance. Mr. Kamikaze, heir to one of the largest, most magnificent estates in England, is groping beneath my gown as we are thrown together during a tumultuous carriage ride ... where I have lost the strength to protest as his lips meet mine, eager for my unforeseen delicacies.
But that is not all. In "Pirates of Desire" I find myself once again, helpless to the roguish charms of Mr. Kamikaze, a notorious pirate captain, as fiery and unforgiving as the seas themselves and who is also known as "Sea Wolf"...
I protest. "Now I know why they call you Sea Wolf. I think you are despicable!" I yell after he pulls on my bodice strings and plants an uninvited kiss on my lips. "You might want to keep the girls tied up," he says. Oh yes he does.
But whether it is to be the plank or the pirate's bed for me I cannot say.
With my fate and my delicacies hanging in the balance, the excerpts of my personal romance novels, customized by more than 26 reader-supplied characteristics, (including your dog or cat!) come to a tantalizing halt.
I will never know what breathlessly uttered words of "Medieval Passion" lead to my triumphant 15th century love affair. Or, for that matter, what I could have had under my skirts that the rakish Lord Mr. Kamikaze failed to anticipate. Pastries? Caviar?
I do know, however, what the dog is thinking.
"A week," Fido thought, surveying the floor for fallen bits of pork rind. "Seven days of feasting and then on to our new Lord's castle in Coventry to retire to a life of luxury. What more could a dog possibly ask for?"
The "excerpts" part instructs you to only capitalize the first letter of the heroine's name. Darn, I couldn't decide between LaShawnDa or TayKwondo and now I can't use either.
Posted by: Sue | February 11, 2009 at 12:14 PM
I also found the pet requirement a little off putting. Why must I designate a dog or a cat to share my romance novel? Is this one of the conventions?
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 11, 2009 at 12:58 PM
Well. It all sounded perfect. Until I read about their love scenes not being "explicit." Yawn.
For me, it's raw and primal...or nothing.
So, now I'm back to the home-made mom-porn idea again.
I wonder if I can include my pets in that, too?
Posted by: eurolush | February 11, 2009 at 10:40 PM
A guy really doesn't belong commenting on this one. I’m all freaking turned on here and Mrs. Duck has no idea why I’m fix’in to rumpus a frolic through her vegetables – as soon as I wipe the potato chips crumbs off my chest.
Posted by: Audubon Ron | February 13, 2009 at 08:51 PM
Nothing like a little pirate porn to raise the ... spirits. As we like to say in playgroup, badly written pirate porn is better than no pirate porn at all.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 14, 2009 at 03:35 PM
I swear, all I can think to say is that Barbie looks really good for 50...romance novel covers huh? Ken must be out of work. And I kind of like the idea of a pet porn novel. Or, wait, I've missed the point again haven't I?
Posted by: nthnglsts | February 16, 2009 at 08:58 PM
Maybe you have and maybe you haven't. I found it kind of hard to tell what they were going for exactly...
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | February 16, 2009 at 09:30 PM