Chicago: Bitter cold, dangerous windchills
Actual temperature: 5 degrees below zero
Wind chill temperature: 20 degrees below zero
Miami, actual temperature: 81 degrees above zero
Miami, wind chill factor: 82 degrees above zero
Chances that Mr. Kamikaze will get laid today: Absolute zero
Formula by which Mr. Kamikaze's chances are factored: Where M-C=>70, X=0
Photo: Extra ice in the kitchen. If there were an SPCA for tropical plants, we'd be facing charges.