Dear Friends and Family:
It has certainly been a busy year for the Kamikaze family! I hardly know where to begin, there have been so many high points and achievements!!
Some of them were darn near miraculous really, like the fact that after more than two decades in the business and a boxful of prestigious awards, Mr. Kamikaze has managed to keep his job in the horse and buggy industry - at least through New Year's.
Thankfully, I have been able to supplement the family income with my efforts in the lucrative world of freelance editing, where there are no awards, just the satisfaction that comes from crisp clean punctuation and copy flow! If there is anything more professionally satisfying than excising superfluous
unnecessary words I just don't know what it is!
Our children, as always, represented the peak of our achievements in the Kamikaze family.
The girl is growing up so fast, we can hardly keep up with her cosmetic needs! She has recently developed the cutest little vampire crush, spawned by her obsession with that crazy-popular series of books about the 15-year-old virgin and the 108-year-old vampire in a 17-year-old boy's body who impregnates her with a baby demon. We don't like to brag, but she seems to be the only 10-year-old in her class reading at this level of maturity.
Her leadership qualities continue to amaze us. She recently organized the neighborhood's first Teen Vampire Fan Club, with a membership contract that is positively Sicilian. "Rule 1. Do not complain to any parents or legal guardian or you will be kicked out..."
What could they possibly have to complain about? It's adorable really.
Boy, Esq. continues to amaze us with his technological skills. Schoolwork has taken a backseat in recent weeks, but it is hard to quibble over in light of the fact that he recently beat his own high score in the iPod Touch "Bubble Wrap" game, popping over 293 virtual plastic bubbles in the allotted time! We are popping with pride!!! What will those ingenious folks at Apple come up with next? A hand-held game that simulates the swatting of flies? Nope. That's already available - and at no additional cost! I tell you, if this is not the smartest generation of kids since those geniuses who thought up the Apollo mission, I don't know who is!
And speaking of bubbles, we could not be happier in our new Chicago home, despite the fact that it is currently 12 degrees and the 1940's era furnace requires near-constant maintenance. At least it's real estate, worth almost as much as it cost, not counting the renovations, which are coming along at a pace expected to precede the foreclosure sale.
Speaking of sales, from the looks of all the for sale signs popping up, we are living in one "hot" market for depressed residential real estate. (Not literally, of course! Literally it is cold enough to freeze the tears in your eyes! Not that we have anything to cry about.)
We did quite a bit of traveling this year, despite our busy, successful lives. We visited South Florida 11 times out of crushing homesickness, enjoying the occasionally lavish and completely unpredictable hospitality of our closest friends, some of whom took the opportunity to take their own little vacations, since we were there to watch their children.
There were mints on the pillow at Janette's, soft pink slippers at Dianne's, little spinach strudels and good red wine at Dr. Liz's , something good always baking in the home of the Queen's Own Jane and wet towels on the floor at the Executive's, where it is always BYO toilet paper. The boys almost managed to make a pot of coffee!
Dianne and I managed to sneak off for a Thelma and Louise-style road trip, where a decade's worth of friendship nearly collapsed in a series of arguments over rest stops and fast food. Of course I was only kidding when I threatened to drive our Pontiac rental car over a cliff - there is nothing even approaching that kind of landscape between Miami and the postcard-perfect landscape of Lower North Florida's dog fighting region.
Later in the summer, the Executive's daughter paid us a visit, during which the girls managed to flood the pool table with their crazy bathtub antics. How we all laughed over that one!
On a personal note, I did manage to overcome a raging crush on the furnace repairman and my bitter unhappiness over the family's move long enough to have sex with Mr. Kamikaze a total of 16.75 times - a number I can share with you because Mr. Kamikaze is such a sentimental fool that he has begun keeping track! Though I still do not completely understand his scoring system. It is more complicated than figure skating!
Which brings us to another personal milestone: after a half dozen years and untold thousands of dollars in private lessons, I had the honor of performing in the Frozen Oaks Ice Rink annual Christmas show with my edge class this year, where many people in the audience said my performance was among the tallest they had seen.
I continue to spend at least three days a week on the ice, a commitment that, despite its toll on my job search, my unfinished novel and the family's income, has left me with what has been described as one of the nicest asses of any 46-year-old suburban mommy in the neighborhood. Teenagers say the darndest things!
As for the job search, I have been innundated with offers to write for almost nothing, which will certainly leave us sitting pretty on April 15!
But despite our full and hectic lives, we are thinking of each and every one of you this holiday season with only a trace of the bitterness to which we are fully entitled. And that is nothing that a glass or two of cheap wine won't deaden somewhat.
The Kamikaze Family