If this were a marriage, I would have already called in the lawyers

He wants to know what "per capita" means.

I want to know why he is doing his homework in front of the television an hour before school.

"I only have two problems left," he says.  "I am getting straight A's."

I hand him a cup of hot cocoa and leave the room before he can launch into alternative arguments B,C,D and E. 

"You will not do your homework in front of the television," I say.  "It's Latin for 'per head.' "

When I come back, he is still doing his homework in the same spot. He looks up at me with his "Wuh?" expression, then changes the subject to "You Have to Give Me a Ride to School Today."

"Take your bike," I say.

"I can't," he says. In the first place, he has no one to ride with. His friend had to leave early and is already gone. He can't ride by himself because he would have no way to lock his bike. He has to lock his bike to his friend's bike because he has forgotten the combination to the $15 bike lock he used all last year. Ipso facto, there is no possible way I am going to finish my coffee.

He keeps talking to distract me from doing the math in my head: $6 for the locker padlock he lost over the summer, $15 for a new bike lock, four digits in the bike-lock combination of a boy whose advanced math class requires an $80 graphing calculator.  It doesn't add up.  

He is Still Talking. Can I give him one perfectly good reason why I can't just drive him to school? Just one reason. Just. One. Why not. Just one.  Ad infinitum. 

"Start walking," I say. "I am NOT giving you a ride to school."

I end up giving him a ride to school. Almost.

Halfway, he starts arguing about the latest School Supplies Emergency. Things that must be purchased today. However - and he cannot emphasize this enough - I must not go to the store without him because I cannot be trusted to buy top of the line dividers and spiral notebooks et cetera.

He is emphatic about this.  Ad nauseam.

I have had enough. I stop the car. "Get out," I say, only not as nicely.  Carpe sidewalk.

Comments

[MomZombie]

Ad absurdum!!
(Ok...I looked it up.)
Two things: One, loved the ATC bit, which I never realized/made the connection before, even though I listen to NPR.
Two, finally did the Seven meme, although I took liberties.
--MomZombie

[Audubon Ron]

Soli capita with a knuckle sandwich.

I would have lost it entirely, and said, “Don’t come home, go directly to a shelter and convince everyone you’re an orphan. It is your only chance for survival.”

[MommyTime]

This is hilariously funny. I LOVE it. ad infinitum. Thank you for the great laugh.

[foolery]

You've TOTALLY used up my French, dude. But I could follow it.

Way to go, and next time drive him PAST the school and drop him off. Worked on my 12-year-old brother when I was in high school.