Pop tarts? Cash? Or estate planning?
It's high-stakes testing time in school districts across America and school officials are faced once again with the burning question: Is there Nothing to Which We Will Not Stoop in Our Efforts to Boost Test Scores?
The answer, of course, is no. But until there is simply a magic pill that can be be ground up and put into their milk, an endless variety of schemes are plotted and hatched.
Cafeteria menus are manipulated for their test-boosting properties, test-drilling is wedged into every possible corner of the curriculum and school officials take an intense, short-term interest in whether our children are getting enough sleep and a good breakfast. And by good, they mean "containing lots of sugar" or perhaps peppermint. Because some study somewhere suggested that a sugar rush might be good for a few extra points.
But still the question haunts school superintendents everywhere: How can we devote even more time, energy and educational resources to test taking? And Why Are Teachers Still Devoting Classroom Time to Anything Else?
Meanwhile officials in struggling urban school districts have decided to drop all pretense and simply offer cash bribes. Because you've got to compete, right?
Here in suburbia, this year's Motivational Theme is brought to us by the Board of Realtors: Real estate. Because your parents won't live forever...
"If you do well on this test," our middle schoolers were told, "the value of your parents' homes will rise." (Or not. )
At the elementary school, they just went with the Pop Tarts.
Photo: Brain Food
That picture should really be of frosted blue berry poptarts. Everyone know that for a quick sugar rush, the blue berry flavor is #1.
Posted by: Gaycondo | March 14, 2008 at 12:27 PM
Well I assume that the school officials will take that into consideration, GC. In fact, they probably have an entire department devoted to it...
Posted by: suburban kamikaze | March 14, 2008 at 01:51 PM
Oh man, now I really want a Pop-Tart. I'm going to convince myself it's okay because I have some really taxing internet surfing ahead of me tonight.
Posted by: Jane | March 14, 2008 at 04:49 PM
paying me would have been wonderful! i was a slack student but an awesome worker. never cared about being the best in the classroom but always want to be the best at my job, or at least do the very best i can... might have something to do w/ maturity though
Posted by: misha | March 15, 2008 at 03:31 PM
Wonder what they do with all of the extra Pop Tarts from those kids who are ruining their parents' home values? I'll give 50 cents on the dollar.
Posted by: foolery | March 18, 2008 at 04:04 PM