Can you see them? Over there –
Smiling Under Perfect Hair
Just like a family in a Christmas letter
Just like yours, only much, much better...
(FOR CHRISSAKE, CAN YOU COOPERATE LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE ONE STUPID CHRISTMAS PICTURE? WOULD IT KILL YOU TO COMB YOUR HAIR?)
How did we get to be this way?
Some luck I guess, it’s hard to say
I will take the credit where credit is due
But please, don’t feel it reflects badly on you...
(I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON’T CLEAN THIS ROOM TODAY I WILL BE UP HERE WITH A TRASH BAG AND YOU CAN KISS YOUR PRECIOUS LEGOS GOODBYE!)
Things just seem to go my way
Every day is Mother’s Day
Their constant show of gratitude
Keeps me in this bubbly mood...
(IS THERE SOME REASON YOU ALWAYS NEED TO SPEAK TO ME WHEN I AM IN THE SHOWER? DOES ANYONE ELSE IN THIS FAMILY HAVE TO SOLVE THE ENTIRE FAMILY’S IMMEDIATE PROBLEMS WHILE THEY ARE WASHING THEIR HAIR?)
Each morning I rise from perfect rest
To find my family at its best
They greet the day in perfect cheer
Chaos? You won’t find it here...
(I KNOW WHERE MY SHOES ARE. MY SHOES ARE IN MY CLOSET. WHERE THEY BELONG. HERE’S A CRAZY IDEA: WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF, YOU COULD PUT THEM IN YOUR CLOSET.)
Shoes and backpacks are quickly found
The coffee’s brewing, freshly ground
The pancakes are heart-shaped and made with whole wheat
The children politely converse as they eat...
(I KNOW IT’S HOT. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE HOT. THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT HOT CHOCOLATE. TOMORROW YOU CAN MAKE IT YOURSELF.)
That gravity-sucking big black hole
Where all the household objects go?
The scissors, the homework, the list for the store?
We got ours at IKEA, to match the decor...
(DID YOU LOOK UNDER THE COUCH? BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE YOU SEEM TO BE KEEPING YOUR DIRTY SOCKS.)
Our routine is as smooth as an assembly line
Often we find we have some extra time
Nobody ever arrives late to school
No fussing, no rushing, that is our rule...
(YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING. YOU HAVE TO DRESS AS YOUR FAVORITE STORYBOOK CHARACTER TODAY? WHEN DID YOU THINK WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TELL ME?)
Little ones off without a fuss
And then it’s just the two of us
We share the papers, read the news
He really wants to hear my views...
(I’M SORRY. DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?)
Housework’s finished in a snap
There’s time for bon bons and a nap
Where sweetest dreams cannot compete
With real life when life is this sweet...
(I AM GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY. WHICH ONE OF YOU PUT THE CLEAN CLOTHES BACK INTO THE LAUNDRY PILE? CONFESS OR DIE.)
My kitchen is gleaming like Williams-Sonoma
Homemade soup on the stove gives it that aroma
Nothing is sticky, no food out of date
The children have cleared every last breakfast plate...
(HOW HARD IS IT TO HIT THE OPENING OF THE GARBAGE BAG?)
My career hasn’t suffered from part-time neglect
My parenting life brings me added respect
Editors, agents and publishers clamor
I keep myself grounded in spite of the glamour...
(THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUBMISSION. WE LOVE IT! WE WOULD LIKE TO RUN IT IN OUR NEXT ISSUE. UNFORTUNATELY WE ARE NOT ABLE TO PAY ANYTHING. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!)
Photo: Fish Kiss, by Rick McCawley
© 2007 P.M. Dunnigan/Suburban Kamikaze
Pat Dunnigan: The postmillenial love child of a legalized marriage between Erma Bombeck and Dorothy Parker.
Posted by: Robert K | March 08, 2007 at 05:23 PM
That would make the best romantic comedy ever.
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | May 18, 2012 at 07:31 AM