suburban kamikaze:

A word or two about Pole Dancing Parties, the latest suburban party/exercise/sex craze: Um, no.

I’m not judging the taste of the New Jersey mommies pumping up demand for what the New York Times has dubbed a "racier version" of the Tupperware party. (I always thought that was the "Rubbermaid" claim to fame, but whatever.)

My point is, if you really enjoy it, fine. If you can figure out a way to work a pole dance routine into your exercise program, great.

I am happy to endorse any social/marketing scheme that replaces plastic storage containers as the center of the suburban mommy's social life.

But if you are buying into the idea that installing a $450 spring-loaded, adjustable stripper’s pole in the living room is going to improve your sex life, I am going to save you a lot of money.

Because this is like baiting a mousetrap with artisanal cheese.

After more than a dozen years of marriage and somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 or 400 liquor-fueled playgroup discussions on this topic, I think I can safely say that I am something of an expert on the Top Five or Six Hundred Turn-Ons of the Suburban Man.

Like so many women, I once put a lot of time and money into my collection of sequin-trimmed bra and thong sets.

Then I realized I was married to a guy who got turned on when I asked him to check my hair for nits during an epidemic of lice at the local elementary school.

So, as a public service, I am going to share with you My Five Proven Methods of Seduction that Do Not Require a $450 Spring-loaded Adjustable Stripper’s Pole:

Here goes.

The Suburban Kamikaze's Top Five No-Pole Required Seduction Methods:

Materials Needed:

Two X chromosomes

A pulse

Method #1: Laundry Folding. For reasons that I do not fully understand, the sight of an adult woman folding underwear - or bath towels – fills the mind of a suburban man with impure thoughts faster than you can say Martha Stewart Everyday 5-Star Egyptian Cotton.

Method #2: Midwestern Winter Striptease. Simply remove one layer of clothing before going to bed. Fold back several layers of flannel sheets and bedding to just below your earlobes.

Method #3: Dirty Talk. This is so much easier than you think. Throw away your copy of "How to Make Oratory Like a Porn Star." You have all the vocabulary you need already: nouns, verbs, gerunds, dangling participles. They all work, due to a little known region of your husband’s brain that converts ordinary parts of speech into sexual triggers. You say "peanut butter and jelly sandwich" – he hears "lubricant" and "thighs."

Method #4: The Deadline. Nothing accelerates his libido like the six-month project you were supposed to have turned in yesterday. He will not be able to keep his hands off you.

Method #5: The Three-Way. Want to guarantee that he will be in the mood for totally over-the-top, monkey-howling, headboard slamming, passion of the sheets? Make sure somebody is sleeping in your guestroom, preferably your mother. Works every time.

You’re welcome.

Photo: You see folded towels; he sees you in a compromising position.

Amid all the claims for sexual prowess being peddled by porn stars, rock stars and flat-bellied metrosexual bachelors, the real superheroes of the bedroom go largely unacknowledged.

And so today, a day when suburban mommies everywhere will be showered with construction paper hearts, overpriced chocolates and things from Victoria’s Secret that we will forget to wear ever again, here at Suburban Kamikaze we have have decided to extend some long overdue credit.

The publishing world may not have figured it out yet, but if the truth were told, the best-selling sex manuals on the shelf would be devoted to the Bedroom Secrets of the Suburban Dad. It’s true.

Sorry to bust your bubble Casanova, but these guys have earned the title.

You think it’s hard to pick up a woman in a bar? Puh-leeze. These guys have to convince a woman who has fallen asleep in her clothes reading Thomas the Tank Engine stories that what she really wants right now is some midnight romance under the giant pile of laundry covering the master bed.

You want to brag about technique? These guys keep the steam building knowing that at any minute, and probably more than once, they will be interrupted by a crying child, a ringing phone or their wives’ spontaneous recollection that they forgot to sign a permission slip for the field trip.

We are talking about seducing a woman who, no matter how diligently you work to set the mood, will be filtering your sweet whisperings and best maneuvers through the running commentary of her mental Blackberry: "Oh, that feels … Is that coughing? I will never make deadline if she’s sick. Wait, what is today? Is it the 10^th? And, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh God, it’s the 12^th. Mom’s birthday. I should send flowers. Better write myself a note. If I could just reach… a pen."

Or perhaps you will find yourself trying to seduce the woman you married in Miami Beach and then foolishly moved to Chicago where she refuses to get naked on any day where the temperature separation between her current life and her old life is greater than 70 degrees.

My point is, these guys have honed their skills under conditions you could not imagine.

You may have better underwear, but you are amateurs next to them.

Plus today, they all get new underwear.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

-SK

Photo: Is it hot in here or is it just me?

Sex in the Suburbs radio version