I have fallen way behind in my apologies this week, so I'd like to begin by apologizing for that.
It's probably more efficient at this point if I just apologize in advance for all the ways in which this apology may also fail to meet your expectations. There are so many ways in which I have let you down, you'd think I could at least manage to express my remorse in an adequately remorseful way. It is entirely possibly - likely even - that this effort will fall short, and for that, I am/will be truly sorry. (For a more specific accounting of the ways in which this apology falls short, please refer to next week's Apology Wrap-Up.)
1. Veruca: Your birthday celebration ideas are awesome. And it's just as true this year as it has been every single year since you were old enough to recognize Hannah Montana and those Gossip Girl girls as a source of lifestyle inspiration: You only turn 11, 12, 13, 14 or 15 once. And so I'd like to apologize for the fact that your 2013 party theme, Just Like Prom Night Only More Expensive, is not going to work on my budget. It's completely my fault that I do not earn enough to support your aspirations. Back when I should have been writing the Harry Potter series, I still imagined that "freelance journalism" counted as an actual career. I totally missed the magic train on that one.
2. OMG, Boy Esq: Where Do I Begin? I have failed you so many ways this week, not even counting the numerous times there was not an adequate supply of cash in my wallet for your entertainment needs. What is so hard about finding an ATM at 5:15 in the morning? It's not like they move them overnight. And that debacle over my attempt to provide the ravioli for the swim team dinner?? Looking back to 7 a.m. this morning, I can't believe I thought it was acceptable simply to make the ravioli when I had no realistic way to deliver it to the school at the exact time it was needed. You were justifiably shocked by my plan to ask another swim team parent to deliver it. "That is the same thing as unvolunteering," you said. I can't imagine how humiliating it will be for you to see that pan of ravioli among the other dishes knowing that your mom couldn't even be bothered to drive it to school. Who is even going to eat that?
3. Mr. K: I wish to apologize for pretending, year after year, that Valentine's Day is just a stupid, made-up holiday, no better or worse than any other day for palm tree-themed displays of affection and then secretly resenting you for not buying me this necklace, which I don't even need really.
We're So Sorry: The apology archives