I am dreaming of New Orleans today, where the streets are paved in crawfish, daiquiris are sold by the gallon, and where my favorite sister-in-law has probably collapsed beneath the weight of her shiny, plastic beads. It's not that I don't miss you guys every single day, I just miss you more today, crawfish.
Just kidding. I am of course referring to daiquiris.
From the sister-in-law archives: Mom will always love me a little bit more
From the N'awlins archives: How to Pay for College with Witchcraft
A better idea: Let's dance.
There is a certain point in the long and dreary Midwestern winter when you are left with no choice but to give up.
Despite your best efforts, it will eventually drive you to your knees, where you will be forced to dig for the car keys you dropped into 19 inches of snowfall in subzero temperatures.
When that happens, it won't really matter that you are wearing new boots or that underneath the clothes that are underneath your clothes, your underwear is the color of the tropics.
But why should you have to suffer when there are cupcakes? There are almost always cupcakes around here. I am starting to think of them as food.
From the cupcake archives: Like Buttah
I don't like to complain, but when I heard that there was more snow in the forecast this week, my first thought was [expletive deleted].
My next thought was also profanity laced, but it was more along the lines of, "of course." It's February. In this part of the world, that means snow. Or ice, or possibly just life-threatening wind chill temperatures. Whatever.
As Midwesterners are fond of saying, it's the days like this that make you appreciate the muddy, grey chill of the coming Midwestern spring even more. This is what is known in the Midwest as "perspective." The winter-hardy people of the plains are famous for it, along with something called "green bean casserole," which is a dish people make when they have completely given up.
Click here if you want to read more weather-related grievances. Click here if you would prefer your weather-related grievances with a side of cheesecake. Click here if you have had it with weather-related grievances.
It's Cat Tuesday here on Suburban Kamikaze, and on all the other edge-of-the-trend blogs. Probably. It could be a thing.
Whatever. If blogging has taught us anything - and we freely admit that it has not - it is that you can't overdo cats. Not like horses, which have to be used sparingly. Which is why we don't say "beating a dead cat" when we mean "enough already."
Although I am thinking of making that a thing too.
Feel free to link your own cat
mews news in the comment section. Terrible puns are always encouraged, as is profanity, haiku and parenting advice, as long as it includes profanity, or comes in the form of a haiku.
You can't throw a dead iguana in these parts without hitting an alligator.
And vice versa.
They look fierce, but large, purse-carrying, lipstick-wearing South Florida reptiles are really more afraid of you.
There is no more authentic Miami-area experience than communing with
prostitutes firearms face-eating zombies alligators.
from the South Florida archives: Our pursuit of Unshaven Men Takes a Harrowing Turn
I thought they were finally beginning to trust me. They shared their hopes, their dreams, their cream cheese recipes.
But not one of my Midwestern culture sources ever said a word about Tuesdays. I had to read about it on the Internet:
16. "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in."
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing's sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?
- from Cosmo's 44 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips by Ben Reininga