suburban kamikaze

You will read it just for the dirty parts

Best chocolate chip pancake recipe ever

You know what's even more adorable than teenage boys? Pretty much anything.

Also, the teenage girls who insist on cooking for them.  As a role model for these young women, I can't really say that I approve. 

As the mother running Camp Eat-Around-the-Clock for Teenage Boys, it is going to the top of my list of Things to Love About 17-Year-Old Boys.

Best Chocolate Chip Pancake Recipe Ever:

1 17-year-old girl from across the street

1 bag of chocolate chips

Send bag of chocolate chips across the street with teenage boy. Wait approximately half an hour.

Open door to teenage girl bearing giant plate of chocolate chip pancakes, which you will not even have to wash.

Enjoy!

from the archives:

Teen summer camp opens to mixed reviews

How to eat like a 17-year-old

The ingredients were all there.

Suburban mom's approval rating headed into double digits following midweek baking binge

 

from the cooking archives: Nothing. It's What's for Dinner.

Tall, dark and soapy

It is a little noisy in the restaurant where we have joined a group of foodie types to eat, drink, slurp and bathe in the celebrated Vietnamese soup known as yum, or as they say in Vietnam, "Pho." 

The conversation turns to blogs.

"Sex and lingerie?" he asks.

Sex and laundry, I repeat.

Which brings up a funny sex toy blog we both visit.  For the articles.  "Like that?" he asks.

Not exactly, I say.

At Suburban Kamikaze, I explain, we are more likely to recommend something like stain remover as a marital aid. 

"Wouldn't that burn?" he asks.

Not if you do it right, I say.  By which we mean, using it on the laundry. There is nothing sexier than a man who can wield a stain stick. 

Please accept our sincere apologies for any misunderstanding and/or rashes.

- SK 

from the Sex and Laundry Archives: Fresh Towels

You know how to make a turkey, don't you Steve?

 

Fine dining with the passive aggressive gourmet

Wednesday night New York Times dinners began, as so many traditions in our family, as an exercise in aspiration.

Why shouldn't my family be capable of one meal a week in which our tastes were challenged, our horizons broadened, our palates exposed to the style and sophistication I once believed were synonymous with family life?  There are too many reasons to list here.

Still, there were unexpected bonuses.

The sheer hostility with which my efforts were greeted on what came to be known as "Goat Cheese and Radicchio Night" came to be a source of great satisfaction in my week.

I had no idea it would annoy them so much, which of course, is what gives any good family tradition its longevity. 

Some weeks it is enough to taunt them by reading recipes aloud, randomly substituting "radicchio" and "goat cheese" for other ingredients.

Other Wednesdays are given over to vicarious cooking, in which I devour the French method of making eggplant stew while sipping Bordeaux on the back deck in my toile de Jouy apron. 

But one way or another, the tradition has persisted with all of the joy and spirit of such Midwestern conventions as Enforced Family Board Game Night.

Today, however, it seems the New York Times has turned the dining tables on me. The front of the Dining section features an entree so vile it could only have been popularized by middle schoolers.

Spaghetti tacos.

I didn't know the spaghetti taco had its origins in a television show, but this dish has been showing up in my kitchen since 12-year-old girls started making their home there last year.  Apparently it's not just happening in my kitchen; it's now a staple of pre-teen cuisine.

It's a safe bet that the 7th grader will hold me to tradition tonight.

The only question is, how is goat cheese and radicchio going to taste on a spaghetti-filled taco?

 

From the passive-aggressive cookbook archives: The Secret Ingredient is Spite

Nothing. It's what's for dinner.

More recipes from the Not Cooking archives:

Like "Julie and Julia" only with bigger pots

The Secret Ingredient is Spite

Having a Ball in the Midwest

Like "Julie and Julia" only with bigger pots.

The state of Michigan, apparently, will not be underwriting the production of my cannibalism-themed cooking show,  "In the Kitchen with Your Mother-in-Law."  

 
Even so, I am going ahead with plans for the cookbook spinoff, "10 Minute MILs."

Still hungry? More from the Kamikaze cooking archives...

You can't top this pizza

It was a recipe for disaster:  a reporter pining for the food she grew up with in Ohio goes looking for "grown-up" macaroni and cheese in Chicago.

You can see where this is going:  Macaroni and cheese pizza. Yeah. I said it.

If there is any doubt that the bar has been raised in our ongoing search for the coveted Appalling Regional Delicacies Champion, I offer you you this excerpt from Tribune reporter Lauren R. Harrison's review:

"In most situations, I would have taken a napkin and dabbed the puddles of fat that bled through my paper plate. But, hey, I thought, it's pizza." 

No, Lauren. It's a threat to sea life off the coast of Louisiana, but it's going in our cookbook.    

Top that.

From the Appalling Regional Delicacies Archives:  The Hamball, Pistachio Salad

Please, do not even think of trying to compete with the Midwest for appalling regional delicacies*

Then again, this has got to be better than it sounds. 

*Locution by SK reader Sue, who argued here, that hamballs to the contrary,  the Midwest has plenty of competition. To which I can only say, slider stuffing?  The envelope please. 

Wish they all could be California rolls

Just when we thought we couldn't possibly love them one tiny bit more, despite their long history of misadventures, the girls took over the kitchen and learned to make sushi.

It was their most successful culinary project to date, thanks in no small part to their lovely assistant, Suburban Overachiever, who supplied the nori, the rice, the rolling mat and authentic Japanese know-how. 

Ordinarily the girls refuse all offers of adult assistance, but they made an exception when they learned that Suburban Overachiever keeps a supply of imported Japanese seaweed sheets in her freezer (naturally) and had wasabi in her purse (for reasons which were never made entirely clear).

The results were impressive. And I am not just talking about the fact that no hamsters were harmed, no flooding occurred, nothing was left coated with vaseline, paint or beauty products and no search parties were involved.  Maybe that is all behind us now?

We were served Japanese style, on the low table in the living room, which the girls had converted to candlelit elegance. There was salad and wine and fried ice cream for dessert, a menu the girls put together by watching Food Network how-to videos and calculating the maximum number of dishes they could put to use, which as it turns out, was pretty much all of them. Actual clean-up time may vary.

Ingredients

Juice of 1/2 lemon

1 medium avocado, sliced into 1/4 inch thick pieces

4 sheets nori

1/2 batch sushi rice

1/3 cup toasted sesame seeds

1 small cucumber, peeled, seeded and cut into matchstick-size pieces

4 crabsticks, torn into pieces

wasabi, soy sauce and pickled ginger for serving

1. Cover a bamboo rolling mat with plastic wrap. 

2. Cut nori sheets in half crosswise.

3. Lay one sheet, shiny side down on plastic-covered mat. Wet your fingers and spread 1/2 cup of rice evenly onto nori.

4. Fling sesame seeds around the kitchen, attempting to sprinkle most of them onto rice.

5. Turn the sheet over so that rice side is down.

6. Place 1/8 of the cucumber, avocado and crab sticks in the center.

7. Grab the edge of the mat closest to you, keeping fillings in place with your fingers and roll into a tight cylinder.

8. Pull away the mat and set aside, Cover with a damp cloth.

9. Repeat until all of the rice has been used.

10.Cut each roll into 6 pieces.

 

Sushi Rice Ingredients

2 cups sushi or short-grain rice

2 cups water, plus extra for rinsing rice

2 tablespoons rice vinegar

2 tablespoons sugar

1 tablespoon kosher salt

1. Place rice into mixing bowl and cover with cool water. Swirl rice in the water, pour off and repeat until water is clear.

2. Place the rice and water into saucepan and bring to a boil, uncovered.

3. Reduce heat to lowest setting and cover, cooking for 15 minutes.

4. Remove from heat, and let stand covered for 10 minutes

5. Combine rice vinegar, sugar and salt in small bowl and heat in the microwave on high for 30-45 seconds.

6. Transfer to large wooden or glass mixing bowl and add the vinegar mixture. Fold thoroughly to combine and coat each grain of rice with the mixture. Allow to cool to room temperature before using.

Recipes: Foodnetwork.com

His and Hers Thanksgiving

Hers: Roasted Sweet Potato and Orzo Salad

1 large sweet potato, peeled, cut into 1/2 inch cubes

2 tablespoons each, olive oil, butter

1/4 teaspoon course salt

freshly ground pepper

1 cup each, wild rice, orzo

1 teaspoon minced garlic

1 cup each: dried cranberries (I used Trader Joe's orange-flavored cranberries), coursely chopped toasted walnuts

2 tablespoons each, chopped: fresh sage, fresh basil

1. Heat oven to 400 degrees. Spread sweet potatoes in a single layer on a foil-lined pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Bake until softened, about 35 minutes.

2. Cook rice and orzo according to package directions. (We used the whole box of orzo because we don't follow directions.)

3. Cook garlic, rice and orzo in butter about 1 minute. Add cranberries and walnuts. Remove from heat, fold in sage and basil.

*Adapted slightly from recipe of Chicago personal chef Ron Bilaro.

Hers: Gingered Brussels sprouts

1 1/2 pounds Brussels sprouts, trimmed, cut in half

1 red onion cut into thin rings

extra virgin olive oil

3 cloves minced garlic

2 teaspoons chopped fresh thyme

1 1/2 inch ginger root, peeled, minced

1/2 teaspoon course salt

fresh ground pepper

1/4 cup toasted pecan halves, choppped

1. Heat oven to 425 degrees. Place Brussels sprouts and onion in a 13 x 9 inch baking pan; drizzle with olive oil. Add garlic, thyme, minced ginger, salt and pepper and toss.

2. Roast until vegetables are tender, about 25 minutes. Sprinkle with pecans.

Adapted from a Chicago Tribune recipe published Nov. 7, 2007

Hers: The Best Red Wine You Can Get Your Guests to Bring

Good red wine, supplied by guests

Cheap red wine you bought yourself

Assorted crackers, Trader Joe's goat's milk brie and herb-crusted chevre

1. Drift through kitchen at regular intervals, alternating between glasses of good and cheap red wine.

2. Supplement with cheese and crackers, while offering unsolicited advice to flour-caked husband.

Sample dialogue:  "That's an awful lot of butter."  

His: Butter basted turkey with butter soaked cornbread dressing and buttermilk cream cake, plus Sweet Potatoes cooked in butter and marshamallows.

Lots of butter

flour

sugar, eggs, sweet pototoes, marshmallows

turkey

cornbread

1. Clatter pans dramatically to signify seriousness of undertaking.

2. Dust entire kitchen with a thin coat of flour.

3. Remove Brussels sprouts from food preparation area.

4. Crack a lot of eggs on one side of kitchen. Transfer to mixing bowls on opposite side of kitchen.

5. Butter, baste, repeat. 

6. Remove spouse from food preparation area.  

7.  Finish in secret. Bask in undeserved praise for preparing entire meal.

Having a ball in the Midwest

After my Iowan sister-in-law introduced me to the "walking taco," I was prepared to believe anything.

If someone had told me that fried Cheez Whiz on a stick was a staple of the Midwestern wedding buffet, I would not have questioned it.

Once you have accepted the fact that people will eat ground beef out of a Doritos bag, what is left to doubt?

Even so, the ham ball had me grabbing for my notebook in disbelief.

We were sitting around the kitchen table drinking wine in one of those far-flung Midwestern suburbs few outsiders will ever visit, when our hostess threw out a strange warning.

"Don't make me get the ham ball," she called to her husband, whose unfinished workday was keeping us from our dinner reservations.

Her husband came soon enough and we were spared whatever danger the ham ball posed.

But I had to know.  Ham ball?? 

"The ham ball," she repeated, looking to the two other Midwesterners at the table, who nodded in recognition of what is apparently both a popular hors d'oeuvre and a threat in these parts.

"Okay," I said, flipping open my notebook. "I have to know."

"How much of the Buddig?" our hostess asked her friend.  They debated, then settled on an amount.

"The Buddig" it turns out, is a package of Carl Buddig ham, which according to its label, has been "smoked, sliced, chopped pressed and cooked."  When I was growing up, we called this stuff lunchmeat.  It was piled artlessly between slices of bread and eaten with mustard, or perhaps mayonnaise.  The aesthetic possibilities went undeveloped.

But when chopped into bits, mixed with 8 ounces of slightly softened cream cheese, a couple of chopped green onions and a little bit of Worcestershire, the Buddig is transformed into edible clay from which the "ball" or  any number of other shapes can be molded. Footballs (with processed cheese spread laces) are popular and there is one reported case of a ham ball sculpted into a bust of someone's mother. This is accepted as an unironic tribute in the heartland.

It is a staple of the buffet and the block party, where I am told, the baked Brie goes untouched in favor of the ham ball.    

 "Cream cheese," our hostess confided, "is what holds Midwestern housewives together."

She added: "If you want to get really fancy, you chop up some more of the Buddig and you roll it in."

"We don't do that," said the other woman. "We're riffraff."

I may be getting in touch with my inner Midwesterner. I so want to make a ham ball.  But  this recipe is not going to cut it for me.  Any suggestions?  Wine pairings?  Party invitations? I'm bringing the ham ball.

Photo: Midwestern party starter.

Cheap and easy Beef Burgundy in good shoes

You know you want it.

Ingredients

3 bacon slices cooked and chopped
2 lbs. beef sirloin tip or round steak cut into 1-inch cubes
1/4 cup of flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
1/2 teaspoon thyme
1/2 teaspoon pepper
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 beef bouillon cube, crushed
1 cup cheap Burgundy wine (or more)
1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
2 Tbs. cornstarch dissolved in 2 Tbs. water (optional)

In a large skillet, cook bacon, remove and set aside. Coat beef with flour and brown on all sides in bacon drippings. Combine beef, bacon, spices, bouillon and wine in a crockpot set to low. Shop for discounted Hermés accessories.  Hard times call for good shoes.

Six to eight hours later, add the mushrooms and switch the crockpot to high. Cook for another 15 minutes. Add cornstarch to thicken sauce if desired. Serve over wide noodles or rice. 

From Mable Hoffman's Crockery Cookery

The secret ingredient is vodka

The guest list is as promising as you could hope for. The menu promises to be strange.  And the host is a profane Canadian storyteller who drinks whiskey straight from the sippy cup and who may or may not have waxed her upper lip for the occasion.  

I've been asked to supply the after-dinner drinks and am expected to wear my best underwear. But of course. 

Though technically more of a Monday morning playgroup kind of a drink, I'll be whipping up a laundry basket full of Suburban Kamikazes. This doesn't strike me as a dessert wine crowd. 

Here's how:

Suburban Kamikaze

1 ounce vodka

1 ounce triple sec

1 ounce Key lime juice

1 Key lime wedge

Shake ingredients over ice, strain into coffee mug, garnish with lime. Sip between loads of laundry, while wearing your best underwear.  Remind yourself that underneath it all, it is still a glamourous life.  

Photo: Do not attempt to launder delicates while drinking. 

How to ruin a perfectly good bag of caramels

In 17 Exceptionally Sticky Steps...

You will need:

One 10-year-old girl
Her accomplice
One Roald Dahl cookbook
One bag of perfectly good caramels
2 egg whites (Hint: 1 dozen eggs yields 1 1/2 egg whites.)
As many baking sheets as you have
Food coloring - as much as you have
1/2 cup of sugar.
Patience
Paper towels

1. Purchase Roald Dahl's "Revolting Recipes" cookbook during temporary judgment lapse in bookstore.

2. Encourage "creativity" in children at the expense of home furnishings.

3. Allow 10-year-old daughter and 11-year-old sidekick with a long history of food-based performance art to choose a recipe.

4. Shop for ingredients for Stickjaw for Talkative Parents, from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

5. Give in to girls' demands for unsupervised kitchen access.

6. Call out "is everything okay in there?" occasionally, but provide no other interference, no matter how many times you hear "oops," "uh-oh," or "whoopsy daisy."

7. Explain to skeptical husband that encouraging independence is an important part of parenting.

8. Explain to skeptical husband that they have promised to clean everything up themselves.

9. Insist that teenage brother "leave the girls alone" in very firm voice. Repeat.

10. Remind girls to be sure that they have preheated the right oven.

11. Baking time: 1 hour, plus one extra hour for the time in which the Stickjaws sit in bottom oven while empty top oven bakes at 250 degrees.

12. Repeat until all ingredients have been spilled or used up.

13. Remove from oven and cool on every available kitchen surface.

14. Clean "meringue" from every available kitchen surface.

15. Engage in futile search for caps to food coloring bottles.

16. Feign smile while cautiously biting into oddly-colored meringue-encased caramels.

17. Arrange several oddly-colored, meringue-encased caramels on a plate, while surreptitiously disposing of as many as possible.

Enjoy!

Snowtini

Ingredients:

One perfectly round snowball
Two parts Rose's  Sour Apple Mix
One part vodka
Garnish 

Preferred technique for creating the perfectly round snowball...

 

Feta and Spinach Tartlets with Spite

Ingredients

Pillsbury "Just unroll it, don't play with it, I said don't play with it" pie crust

Six 12 cups baby spinach 

2 tbsp butter

salt and pepper

2/3 cup heavy cream

3 egg yolks  (This will require 5 eggs and a generous helping of patience) 

4  1/2 oz.  feta cheese

1/3 cup pine nuts

Directions:

Cut pie crust and fit into 4 or 5 mini tart shells.  Bake  for 10 minutes at 400 degrees.

Return to grocery store for more spinach because son has fed the entire bag to rabbit.

Blanch 6 cups of spinach in boiling water for one minute, then drain and squeeze water out.

Chop spinach. Melt butter in a skillet, add spinach and cook gently to evaporate any remaining liquid. Season with salt and pepper. Stir in the cream and egg yolks. Crumble feta and divide between the tarts. Pour creamed spinach mixture on top and bake for 10 minutes. Top with pine nuts and bake for additional 5 minutes.

Serve immediately to undeserving family.

From "Tarts" by Sarah Banbery 

Related backstory: The Secret Ingredient is Spite

Casserole Recipes and Laundry Tips

Personally, we would not eat this. But it is a staple of the Midwestern buffet. There are an unbelievable number of variations, by which you can only conclude that there is something about this dish that compels people to try to alter it. 

Do you think you could pull it off?

Okay, but don't say we didn't warn you.

You are going to need a really, really good wine to make this work. We would suggest drinking most of it before dinner.

Our current favorite is a relatively cheap (about $13) 2005 pinot noir, De Bortoli Vat 10.

We also like the 2004 Seifried Nelson riesling (about $20).  But what do we know?  We  once drank an entire bottle of Key Lime wine by the pool. It was nasty, but it grew on us.  It is now a sentimental favorite.

Anyway, here is someone who actually seems to know what he is talking about:

"Dr. Vino" on pinot envy, wine and politics...

Okay, now for the laundry tips.

What You Could Be Doing Instead of Laundry:

SK's List of Truly Excellent Books