Dear Esquire Man and All Other Similarly Aggrieved Man-Persons:
On behalf of the estimated 22 billion women on the planet, both real and fictional, I wish to apologize for the contempt and whining you and your fellow male-kind have had to endure at the hands of the cultural, political and intellectual forces of the day, which are apparently experiencing some kind of simultaneous wave of bitchiness:
"Feminine contempt is suddenly everywhere, subtly and invidiously panoramic, in public life and in private life, in the bedroom and on television and in bookstores and on the campaign trail. " - Stephen Marche writing in Esquire: The Contempt of Women: The Rise of Men. And the Whining of Girls.
It is a lot to answer for and possibly a hormonal thing - which is no excuse - but the truth is, we had no idea you felt this way.
Between the bikini waxing, the pole dancing classes and keeping up with the latest trends in blowjob methodology - not to mention the children's schedules and the demands of Dominating the Culture, we may have become a bit insensitive to your feelings.
Among other oversights, we dismissed the public statements of political spouses as just so much theater, and so did not recognize Michelle Obama's carping about her husband's bad habits as the contempt for all men that it clearly is.
"Contempt for men has become so widespread and acceptable that it's a commonplace for politician's wives." - Esquire: Contempt, whining, etc.
On behalf of politician's wives everywhere, we are deeply sorry.
Likewise, it was thoughtless of us not to have rejected the sneering, anti-male contempt-mongering that pervades so much of our so-called "entertainment" - from the ball-busting Liz Lemon on 30 Rock to the "whiny" young women of Lena Dunham's Girls. We are going to have to find a way to rein in that girl, as she so obviously speaks for all of us.
Please also accept our heartfelt remorse for the unrestrained contempt and "boner-killing" dialogue bound within the pages of our "mommy porn." You and your boners deserve better dialogue. I think we can all agree on that.
There is no excuse for the whole Fifty Shades of Grey thing, obviously, but just for the record, please understand that none of us recognized it, as you did, as "devoted" to the thought "Jeez, this guy is gross."
In our single-minded pursuit of cheap sexual thrills, we mistakenly launched it onto the bestseller lists believing the guy was actually kind of hot. It was a purely physical reaction and we are not proud of it, but please believe us when we say it was just sex. It didn't mean anything.
We hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us.
And if not, we would not object to a firm spanking.