Picasso's mommy leaves a message on my voice mail:
"I'm calling to find out where at your house you would like me to leave the glitter bomb I am making for you. Please direct me to the least convenient spot possible, because that is where all the glitter in my house has accumlated, thanks to you. As soon as you've got your spot picked out and properly coated in glue I will drop it off."
I didn't spend the equivalent of an Ivy League tuition payment at Overpriced Craft Extravagana Incorporated just to let that shit sit on the shelf.
I am not responsible for the "glitter bomb" that went off in your house any more than I am responsible for the fact that little Frida Kahlo went a little heavy on the stuff in creating her masterpiece, Glitter on Glitter, 2011.
Inspirational, maybe, but not responsible.
I am not the type of parent to come between a first-grader and her artistic vision. Not with all this glitter just sitting here!
Those two surly teenage postmodernists who replaced the adorable little Impressionists who used to live with me? They couldn't care less about glitter these days, unless it is in the form of currency or nail polish. So yeah, you send me your little Jackson Pollock and I am going to open the glitter studio.
I am bursting with repressed glitter ideas.
If there is anything more satisfying than a day spent doing elementary school arts and crafts, I don't know what it is, although hearing you describe the glow that our project brought to your office comes very close.
And maybe it's just the margaritas talking but if there is anything in your office worth more than your child's creative impulses, it may be time to rethink your unshiny Midwestern priorities. Maybe you could make me another margarita while you're at it?
Look at the bright and sparkly side, I tell her. When I sold the house in South Paradise where my children spent their arts and crafts years, it was worth twice what we paid for it. I have to think all of the glitter crusted into the tile grout had something to do with that. You should be thanking me.
"Midwesterners are not a shiny people," she says.
Really? Then how do you explain this?