Hello. Thank you for calling Mommy's Customer Support Center and Personal Assistance Hotline. To continue in English, please press 1.
For quality assurance purposes, your call may be monitored or recorded. It is also possible that your call will be ignored while Mommy finishes a fishbowl-sized glass of Pinot Noir while surfing the Internet for naked pictures of English movie actors. Your call is very important to us!
For homework assistance, press 1.
For algebra-related homework assistance, press x, where x = Mommy's grade on her 10th grade algebra final multiplied by the number of ounces in a fishbowl-sized glass of Pinot Noir.
For food-related grievances or demands, press 2 pieces of sandwich bread together with your choice of available spread or meat filling.
To report a lost or stolen house key, press 3 times on the doorbell while reflecting on whether or not you have shown a sufficient level of responsiblity to be issued another house key.
For transportation support, press the button that raises the door to the garage where you will find a selection of bicycles capable of delivering you to your destination.
If you wish to report an intractable sibling dispute, press 4 chrissakes, why does it matter who gets to sit in the front seat?
If you are facing a social emergency that requires last minute laundering of your cutest jeans/favorite hoodie, press the buttons on the front of the washing machine. They are self-explanatory.
Please hold while your call is transferred.
Hello. Thank you for contacting our sibling dispute resolution center. For help in settling a television-related dispute, press the off button on the remote control.
For help in settling a dispute over whose musical taste is superior, press your fingers into your ears and move away from the source of the Bieber.
For information on how to settle a dispute over seating arrangements, get up and press 1. Or 2. Or 3. The important thing is that you get up.
For all other inquiries please remain on the line or press zero for the amount of allowance you will be receiving this week.
Thank you for calling Mommy's Customer Service Center. Our offices are currently closed.