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Sue

I want to do a family newsletter that includes the following: "parole officer", "unfortunate consequences of contraceptives purchased at the outlet mall", and "club soda does an excellent job of removing red wine from carpeting, but the blood was another matter". Then I want to send it out and see if anyone notices. Also, would you please explain the 46-year-old part? Because I can't figure out if that's part of the humor or a typo or what.

Suburban Kamikaze

Yeah I know. It's the figure skating. Your ass just never gets any older!
And please! write that family Christmas letter. I would read it by the fire, sipping mulled wine and laughing my unbelievable ass off.
SK

Mr Lady

I WILL WRITE THAT LETTER.

Redneck Mommy

Dying laughing.

You win the internetz with this post.

Farcking brilliant.

eurolush

Best Christmas letter of 2008.

No.

Possibly ever.

Lynette

This is the best letter ever. If only I could write a Christmas letter half this good...I would.

GDG

Congratulations on the 16.75 acts of love in 2008. But please explain the .75 encounter. And use lots of adjectives, like "turgid."

Audubon Ron

Happy Holidays to you and the Kamikazies, please send post card of one of the nicest asses of any 46-year-old suburban mommy. THIS, I gotta see.

Sue

If you're 46, whose picture do you keep putting up? And did you do the Puntabulous vs. Kamikaze thing 10 years ago? I'm still confused.

Suburban Kamikaze

Re the .75: I may have two-footed a landing there or something...

SK

Nicki

LOL! I love that letter! Much more interesting than the usual "we are so perfect and you're not" holiday letters!

sher

replace "furnace repairman" with "plumber" and you've pretty much mirror-imaged my year.

well, except for the minor bit about how october through november, we figured out that our home was G-d's Little Plague Test Kitchen (yes, we experienced death, plague, floods (hence the plumber), and illness right here.)

i decided to live vicariously through others' holiday newsletters this year. i think if i reported on our year, there would be many more prozac prescriptions resulting ;-)

happy holidays from your nation's capitol.

sher

oh, i forgot pestilence. i think lice counts as that, right?

Suburban Kamikaze

There is never enough lice or pestilence in those Christmas letters.

Robert K

So let me get this straight: We get a year of photos of snowmen and pool tables and craft projects. And not a single photo of the skate-toned derrière?

Just sayin'.

Suburban Kamikaze

It's really hard to photograph your own ass, RK. I can't even take a decent picture of my child's very last elementary school holiday program! And it was right in front of me.

SK

nthnglsts

RE Thelma and Louise, you left out the part about the 2AM Scrabble to the Death Match with the 11 year olds wherein you and your scrabble dictionary had to be restrained, oh, and the part about how your mother's house would be easy to find because of the statue out front and then we discovered that every house in that neighborhood came with a statue out front and were we even in the right neighborhood? And yes I prefer rest stops in northern Florida over truck stop Quickie Marts because oh, I don't know, only the state troopers are ARMED there and there is actual toilet paper as opposed to the truck stop where any toilet paper they ever had was wound around a plastic palm tree in the "Gals" room. To be honest I was glad you let me stop to pee at all--oh that's right, we ran out of gas and HAD to stop. I'm sure you enjoyed the tattoo art and twinkies but I found that being off the beaten path somewhere north of Ocala was the fair equivalent of Season Two of Lost with a little Fringe thrown in. And, you never let me drive, thereby adding at least 12 hours to our carefully planned map quest schedule. But it wasn't all bad. We didn't kill each other, the cheeze its were shared (no they are not a vegetable) I have to say, it was the best road trip I've taken in 20 years. Same time next year then? I will bring the Mike Ditka Beaujolais.

Suburban Kamikaze

Nothing good ever happened at a rest stop in North Florida, which, come to think of it, would be an excellent title for your memoirs. (I think "Cheats at Scrabble" might already be taken.)

SK

eurolush

The world would be a better, happier, bouncier? place...if we all took pride in our asses. I know I do. And there's absolutely no reason why I should. Irony!


PS-You are brilliant. Merry Christmas.

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