We are working out our plans for Halloween when a little flash of the brilliance for which I am completely unrecognized comes to me.
I will be middle-aged Hannah Montana. Didn't I already shell out some ridiculous amount of money for the wig that my 10-year-old daughter wouldn't be caught dead in today? She is so over that. "Oh my God," she says with an eye roll when passing the racks of sparkly Hannah-wear she once coveted.
Hannah Montana, it seems, is so last week. So I am free to use the wig. My children, who are going way out on a creative limb this Halloween as a dark angel and a teenager in a rubber skeleton mask, cannot get their brains around my inspired idea.
"I need bifocals," I say to them in the costume shop. "Help me find a pair a fake bifocals."
"Mom," says my daughter, who has agreed to act as my Hannah Montana consultant. "I am pretty sure that Hannah Montana would get contacts."
"Yes," I say. "But I've already explained this to you. I am going as middle-aged Hannah Montana. I need to be visibly middle aged."
"Um, Mom," says my son. "You already are visibly middle aged."
Funny. Now I am the one rolling my eyes. How did I raise such irony-challenged children?
"Let me explain this again," I say. "If I just dressed up as Hannah Montana, I would be a middle-aged woman dressed as Hannah Montana. Silly, maybe, but not inspired. I am a middle-aged woman but I am going to be dressed as middle-aged Hannah Montana. Do you see the difference?"
They still don't get it. But they argue with me as if I am the one who is confused.
"Hannah Montana is never going to look middle-aged," says my daughter knowingly. "She has, like, billions of dollars."
"Yes, but I am going to portray her as she would look if she suddenly lost all her money and had to go into middle age the usual way," I say. "With varicose veins and gray streaks in her hair."
"But why?" they want to know.
"Because it's funny," I say in exasperation. At least it seemed like it was before I had to explain it five times. Is it me?
"No one is going to get it," says the eighth grader.
I give up. I head to the register with my sparkly fake eyelashes and a can of gray hairspray. My daughter looks at the hairspray in my hand and tries to set me straight on one last point.
"It's a wig Mom," she says. "Hannah Montana's hair is a wig, so it can't ever turn gray."
Photo: SK as HM; the best of both worlds.
Maybe they should dress up as Bert, Captains No Sense of Humour.
Posted by: Mr Lady | October 06, 2008 at 11:15 AM
You don't fool me - this is just your excuse to wear sparkly fake eyelashes. You did not mention what shoes would be completing the ensemble.
Posted by: Sue | October 06, 2008 at 01:31 PM
I'm with you! I get it! May I suggest a muffin top? But I've seen you in a bikini; you'll need to wear a body stocking filled with sand.
Is Husband Kamikaze going as pre-dementia Billy Ray?
Posted by: foolery | October 06, 2008 at 03:14 PM
I get the feeling we've met somewhere Sue...
And yes, Foolery, I have a gray mullet wig with his name on it. I just have to find the right moment to spring it on him. His cooperation in these matters can not be assumed.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 06, 2008 at 05:29 PM
Just roll your eye's and mutter something about giving them all to the Gypsies, the next time they come by....Hanaha Montana will be middle age, and even with billions, I don't thinks its gonna be a good thing.
Posted by: Katybeth | October 06, 2008 at 08:42 PM
Wait a darn minute here.
Foolery gets to see you in a bikini?!
Blogger's pet.
Posted by: Robert K | October 07, 2008 at 02:23 PM
Let me be the first to point out the ridiculousness of you dressing up at all -- although yes, I am well aware that Halloween is your favorite holiday.
Posted by: Executive Suburbanite | October 09, 2008 at 02:13 PM
And I have seen you wearing black latex out in public. I just can't remember whether it was at a PTA meeting or a Little League game...?
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 09, 2008 at 05:39 PM
Explain to little realist Hannah Cinderella that after a certain "middle" age, even people who wear contacs need bi-focals. Sigh. If only being myopic were confined to childhood. Sooo... The ghost of Halloween Future? Even Dickens couldn't have dreamed it!
Posted by: nthnglsts | October 11, 2008 at 10:30 AM
A 7 year old's response to this picture is as follows: "Stop ! Is that Hannah Montana?
"Wait a minute. Nah. It's not Hannah Montana.
"It IS Hannah Montana. Why is she wearing that mask."
Posted by: mumkinbochra | October 16, 2008 at 03:30 AM
Tell little mumkin that all the cool kids this year are going as middle-aged suburban mommies. All you need is a laundry bin, a martini glass and a slightly frazzled mien.
SK
Posted by: Suburban Kamikaze | October 17, 2008 at 07:21 AM