The all talk diet

The Slutty Executive has gotten herself into another phallic-shaped vegetable cured in vinegar and spices.

"I need your help," she says. "As someone who has a track record of promising sexual favors you have no intention of delivering."

"Hey," I object. "That is not fair."

For the record, I had no idea that my X-rated Christmas poem would be taken as anything other than what it was; a bit of holiday fun in which I feigned a rhyming interest in committing a variety of lewd-sounding but completely fictitious acts. It was weeks later that I realized Mr. Kamikaze was waiting patiently to see how I planned to incorporate my ice skates into our love life.

"Yes," Executive interrupts, "but there was also that time after the sex toy party when you told him that your order had been held up by Customs because it was illegal in some states."

"You should have seen his face when I came home empty-handed," I say. "I had to say something."

"That's my point," says the Slutty Executive. "You say things. But you don't do things."

But this time it was the Executive whose promises had gotten her into trouble. She'd decided to raise the incentive in her husband's weight loss effort. Take it off, she'd told him, and she'd take it off too - and she'd bring a friend. 

It was the weight loss plan Mr. Executive had waited for his entire life. The South Beach Diet Three-Way. He lost 10 pounds on the spot. And another 10 before bedtime. He was shrinking before her eyes and she was starting to panic.

"You've got to help me," she says.

"Oh no," I say. "I am saving myself for Daniel Craig's sister."

"Does Daniel Craig even have a sister?" she asks.

"You better hope so," I say.

Photo: Does Daniel Craig even have a sister?

Comments

[Audubon Ron]

That's funny. Oh and thanks for posting the male hunk pic. Now don’t I feel slightly over weight? That’s it, no sex for you, one year!

[Audubon Ron]

..."His parents split up in 1972, and young Daniel Craig was raised with his older sister, Lea, in Liverpool, then in Hoylake, Wirral, in the home of his mother." I'd give you source but who cares really.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

Lea, huh? Not Jenny? Because that would be perfect.